Not just a look back... but a Round of Reubens! Yah!

I remember when Sportscenter and the WWL were cool. I remember those days, back in middle school when I would sit and watch the morning review of highlights while eating waffles or the hard palate destroying Captian Crunch. Olberman, Killborn, Patrick, Mees. It was great. They had pretty good commercials back then, too.

Fortunately, the guys over at the Unibrow have put together the top 10 Sportscenter commercials of all time available on youtube. Including the classic Y2K test:

Our BFF, EDSBS, has about the best write up ever regarding the Mountaineers' matchup this weekend: "Sensei Teaches Student A Noble Lesson Of Pride And Humility."

Student may land a field goal, reaching through the defense–well played!, says Sensei. He may intercept a poorly thrown ball, or perhaps stifle a rusty option game for a series or two. Most impressive! says Sensei. Or most likely, Western Michigan will find a hole in the ever-risk-friendly 3-3-5 and do what most teams do at one point to WVU: burn them for a long touchdown.

Feel joy, Student! You are about to learn!

And by learning, we mean that Sensei is about to whip your motherfucking ass.

Oh, and you are not prepared for the definitive, nutpummeling, teeth-shattering, fistfeast of an asswhipping you will get from Sensei.

Yet more proof of my EDSBS is one of the best written blogs out there.

ESPN College Football as Arrested Development

When are you bankrupt for material you do one of two things; liveblog or compare some group of teams, people, or schools to something in pop culture. I hate liveblogs so here is the ESPN College Football group as cast members of AD.

Kirk Herbstreit--Michael Bluth, the main character and normally upright and dependable, however can also be very self-centered believing in his own opinion and importance over everything else.

Bob Davie--George Michael Bluth, quiet and thank God because normally only starts and stammers come out of his mouth when he speaks. Supposedly good in school (defensive coordinator) but it's hard to believe by looking at him. Just wants Michael to pay attention to him and listen, but Michael is too busy with his own problems including. . .

Brent Musburger--George Bluth, Sr., both have had problems with the law and both go to considerable lengths to attempt to be in control but spend most of the time avoiding either the police or those evil bloggers (for the Mus' at least).

Chris Fowler--Lucille Bluth, the real brains behind the operation as he controls all arguments through his desk on Gameday. Never afraid to let anyone know that he is better than these football neanderthals surrounding just as Lucille hates everyone else. Will belittle anyone going against his will, which actually makes him like able when he calls out Herby on Thursdays.

Lee Corso--GOB, couldn't be anyone else for a costume wearing, love able and hate able at the same time, catchphrase yelling guy. Tries to sound important all the time, but really ends up at home crying to a hooker. You don't want him trying to fix something or predict a winner, he has picked WVU twice in the last 3 years marking the kiss of death each time, but he stubbornly holds on to his decisions (Cal this year) no matter what. Should have kept all rights to the "Banana-grabber".

Rece Davis--Buster, is sheltered and overshadowed by Mother so much that we would like to see what he could do on his own. Somehow we all know that it will never happen.

Lou Holtz--Lindsay, may not make sense but both want desperately to be taken seriously or objectified (the spitting is some form of S & M) but no one will listen to them. Everything they touch whether programs for Holtz or marriage for Lindsay turns to chaos on his watch with him openly pining for a new mate.

Mark May--Tobias Funke, supposed to be a minor character but keeps coming back. Tied in a horrible marriage to Lindsay (Holtz) that can be downright nasty at times. You always know he is going to bring up those sweaty men in the trenches slamming into each other (he is from Pitt, not that there's anything wrong with that).

Trev Alberts--Maeby, the attention starved daughter will do anything to get noticed. Unfortunately for Trev that meant being a rebel and not showing up for work to get some love. He didn't get a studio job, he got fired.

Beano Cook--Oscar Bluth, the lethargic ex-hippie that becomes the whipping boy of the Bluth family taking punch after punch for George. Have you ever heard him call into ESPN radio, they mock him relentlessly. He just came for the free shrimp.

Mike Hall--Annyong, the adopted brother (contest winner) is now the enemy of Buster as he tries to steal affection from Lucile. That one was too easy.

Holly Rowe/Shelly Smith--Ann Veal, may seem forget able but you know what happens to third place beauty contest winners. Mch like Ann getting left in Mexico, Shelly got left in USC for an entire year.

Mike Gottfried--Barry Zuckerkorn, seems lost sometimes and would rather be elsewhere quite possibly a truck-stop and both know balls when they see them.

Ron Franklin--Franklin, one of the best, but needs to filter the comments. Franklin hates whitey, Ron Franklin was moved from Saturday night for the following:

If the coaches are giving up," Rowe added, "what does that say to the players?" Franklin responded: "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart."

In response to that, Mo Davenport, senior coordinating producer for college football said, "It was an inappropriate comment, and we've communicated that to Ron. There's never a reason to say something so mean-spirited. Ron apologized. We dealt with it internally."

Doug Flutie--Steve Holt, not really his fault, but his first year consisted mainly of ESPN showing the "Hail Flutie" much like Steve Holt consisted mainly of raising his arms and yelling "Steve Holt".

Erin Andrews--Rita, known mainly for the looks and accessories. Michael is infatuated with "EA", but can't ever close the deal. She owns Wee-Britain much like EA "owns" all other sideline reporters. She is southern enough she may be the offspring of cousins.

Todd McShay--Bob Loblaw, brought in to skew younger and may have have some important views, but at this point (ESPNU) no one is listening anyway.

ESPN celebrates MLK day

ESPN celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day yesterday with segments from various personalities reflecting on what the man and the work of his life meant to them. The thoughts of Tom Jackson and John Thompson, among others, were especially poignant. Unfortunantly, not all of the taped segments went smoothly as some of the anchors had a problem shifting from "ESPN Personality" mode. We have uncovered a transcript from one such segment which luckily never made it past the cutting room floor.


"Today we celebrate the life of the Rev. Martin Luther 'It don't mean a thing if it aint got that' King, Jr. Dr. King, FROM?!?!?! Morehouse College with a Ph.D. from Boston University. He first made national news when he organized the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955 after Rosa 'Yosemite and Yellowstone are National' Parks refused to move to the back, back, back, back, back, back of the bus. Dr. King had to overcome so many obstacles during these years, but he managed to evade them all. Whoop!!! right past racial segregation on public transport. Whoop!!! past racial prejudice. Whoop!!! past injustice and prejudice. The Jim Crow laws of the 1950's put all black men at a disadvantage as they tried to move upward in life, but that's why they play the game. It could be especially bad in the south, and we know a little something about the south now don't we."

Clip of Berman making catch in Tampa Bay preseason camp circa 1982 shown. "A young Boomer streaking down the sidelines, much like a young Dr. King streaking past the F.B.I. wiretaps that produced no evidence of communists in the Civil Rights Movement."

"Some of the rights that a black man was denied in the 1960's included voting, labor rights, and of course there was segregation. But nobody circles the wagons like the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. At a time when poor leadership could have led to rumbling, bumbling, and stumbling in advances, Dr. King stressed the non-violent civil disobedience with great results."

"The early successes led to Dr. King being part of the March on Washington in 1963. The crowd awaited in anticpation to see if Dr. King could. go. all. the. way. in a speech to the audience. Would the reverend Fumble?!?!?!? No, he delived the famous 'I have a dream' speech' and became the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. This just in. . .Dr. King, he was good. And Boom knows a little something about being up in front of a crowd and delivering the goods."

Clip of Berman singing with Huey Lewis circa 1991 shown. "Oh, that was a good day for the Boomer."

"In the world of sports think of how different the landscape is now than in the 1950's before Dr. King and his movement. Sports has become an equal playing field for people of all color from the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field to the New Sombrero. Young men of all colors can grow up wishing to play for the G-men, you know the New York Football Giants on the East Coast or Da Raid-ahs on the west coast. This is true in all sports, not just football.

Clip of Berman making put in Pro-Am event circa 1993 shown. "Like in golf, and Boomer knows all about making a pressure putt in golf, and just like racial equality it's good."

"There is still a lot of work to be done in this country. Will we ever get there? The Swami Sez, yes in the year 2023 when the Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers will battle it out in the Super Bowl. Of course you will be able to see those highlights on. . . The Blitz."

I think ESPN made the right decision in sitting on this one.

An expansion on ESPN analysis of College FB

OK the last post was just a chance to slam ESPN before I got into my real complaint which is one that has bothered me for a while. ESPN is the largest sports entity in the world. With their seemingly 7,000 ESPN stations including the Ocho and ABC sports, radio, a magazine, video games, Sean Salisbury dick on a phone Christmas songs, Stuart Scott lazy eye patches, etc. they are everywhere. In addition, they now employ newspaper writers from every major city on at least one of their 600 shows where doughy guys yell about sports they have never played and have no love for. So what I'm saying is ESPN sets the sports agenda. They lead Sportscenter with a story and it is national, they say "Too much T.O?" Let's go to Ed Warner at TO's house for comment. Now the means of pushing the agenda may be subtle (just kidding it's ESPN), shoved down your throat (does that remind anyone of Sean Salisbury and his photogenic junk?), or pathetic (Cold Pizza, "am I wrong, am I wrong?" No Skip you're just a douchebag). Either way ESPN fully has an agenda with a story (ride it until it dies then scream about how it was overcovered) just like everyone accuses FOX News or the "Liberal" media of an agenda.

With the full ABC/ESPN crossover college football is almost totally controlled by ESPN during the regular season. Only a few Pac10 and SEC games are not shown on these stations and the games that are on CBS/Fox are not given near the hype or coverage. For instance the Rose Bowl was the most boring bowl game of New Years, but it was on ABC, so damn that Boise St/Okla. game, the WVU/Ga. Tech game, etc. we are going live to Pasadena three times during Gameday Final to talk about how the Rose Bowl was won and how USC could be preseason #1 next year. Anywhoo, on to my main complaint. This year the coverage of WVU/Louisville the number 3 and 5 teams at the time it was not glowing. I can handle some rational argument, however, the argument put forth all week by ESPN after the game was that there was no defense. The defense in the Big East sucks. They couldn't stop anyone. Well, WVU did play pretty poorly (to be mild) on defense, but was it any worse than some of the OMG greatest games of the year, decade, century, ever? Below are four games from the last two years, three of which were rejoiced from the heavens of ESPN as the shiznit (Ohio St./Mich, USC/ND 2005 and USC/Texas) and WVU/UL. See if you can tell a difference from the stats.

Game 1
Score 41-38
1130 total yards of offense
Teams averaged 7 and 7.3 yards per play
3 turnovers
4 total punts

Game 2
Score 42-39
936 yards of total offense
Teams averaged 5.9 and 7.4 yards per play
2 turnovers
8 punts

Game 3
Score 44-34
1008 yards of total offense
Teams averaged 7.4 and 7.3 yards per play
4 turnovers
5 punts

Game 4
Score 34-31
893 yards of total offense
Teams averaged 7.4 and 4.8 yards per play
4 turnovers
11 punts

My point? When non-SEC top 5 teams play the trend seems to be score early and often and while WVU may not have had a great defense, was it worse in these games than the ESPN labelled "great teams?" BTW, Game 1 was USC/Texas, 2 Ohio State/Mich, 3 WVU/UL, and 4 USC/ND.

I've seen that defense before dammit

That game reminded me defensively of another game I've seen before in WVU/USF this year where a defensive line may have won a game by themselves.

ESPN was putting so many hours into Shelly Smith stories on Ohio State too (poor Troy Smith, but hey let's not mention the money he took when signing with Ohio State), are they the kiss of death or what? Lots of teary eyes tonite on gameday, old Lee will can simpathize with Kirk on his losses. Let's see in the last two years alone ESPN has proclaimed 2005 USC the greatest team of all time which begat Notre Dame this year as O.M.G. the bestest, which begat Ohio State as the actual really greatest team. Tell ya what, if WVU ever makes it to the big game just please let the talking heads at ESPN pick against us. And to make matters worse, Kirk Herbstreit, one of the only commentators that doesn't make my ears bleed when "analysing" matchups broke with his normal impartiality to choo choo choose Michigan as the number 2 with this breathtaking analysis courtesy of http://sauriansagacity.blogspot.com/

"Here's the problem I had; I get paid to actually watch college football, from noon to 2 a.m. I watch every game there is, and I do that for 15 straight weeks. I'm in a position where I can make an opinion on more than, well right here on paper, it says Florida beat six top 25 teams ... I don't care. I don't care. I've watched Florida every week. Congratulations, 12-1 ... that's amazing. But am I going to penalize Michigan because the Big Ten is awful this year? Absolutely not. I don't care that they beat ND and ND is terrible. I don't care that they beat Wisconsin and we don't know how good Wisconsin is. I saw them play against every team this year."People can say look how they played against Ball State and look how they played against Northwestern. They were bored. The difference between that and Florida ... Florida was actually trying when they played and didn't execute against Georgia and Vanderbilt, and didn't execute against Kentucky and other teams they played."

Now that is arrogance even Sean Salisbury would be proud of, except Sean Salisbury tells you what to think and then shows you a picture of his cock on a picturephone.