Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Extra Large Baskets Installed in Piskataway

The Mountaineers won their first conference road game earlier tonight, now 1-4 on the road in Big East action, against the Rutgers 89-83. The Mountaineers improve to 17-4 overall and 6-3 in the Big East.

Outrageous stat of the night? Pick one: the Mountaineers shooting 14 of 21 from beyond the arc (66.7%); Da'Sean Butler leading WVU in scoring from the bench with 17 points; or the unbelievable awkwardness of Alexander on that dunk after a beautiful backdoor cut.

Speaking of which: I guess the rumors are true afterall, the backdoor is wide open in Jersey. The Mountaineers certainly pounded it all night long. And for that, I am proud.

Rounding out the stats, Joe Alexander had 17 points, 11 of which came in the second half; Darris Nichols scored 16; the Fu was held below his season average and scored 11; and finally Jamie Smalligan scored 10 while managing not to lose any more hair over it.

Leading the Rutgers in scoring, Jaron Griffin had 19 points.

Both teams shot lights out with WVU shooting 65.2% overall and the Rutgers shot 53.1%. Despite their season average of .005%, the Rutgers shot 46.7% from three point land.

Tummysticks might have some analysis later, if he's sober enough.

Another FSU defection

In what could only be described as the incredible shrinking program WVU lost another bigtime recuit. This time now-Florida State coach Rick Tricket has taken one of the top lineman he recruited for WVU in Rodney Hudson to FSU. WVU currently has lost two verbal committments and let a third out of his commitment in the past few weeks. The class rankings have dropped to 36 in Rivals and 20 in Scout to reflect the departures. This weekend the Mountaineers host a large number of potential recruits to try and replace the parts in what should be the largest class in the last few years.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

For the sake of the kids IV


The night before the camp I hear a rumor about Rubens for lunch. Now this is a little strange because Coach Rodriguez grew up on peanut butter and jelly. In fact, he ate PB & Js all through school as well and many people have speculated that he will stay very loyal to the PB & Js even if offered a better sandwich because a PB & J is his "dream" sandwich.

7 a.m. Arrive at the stadium and immediately run into Coach and he is mad. Coach asks why his wife is getting phone calls that have us eating Rubens. She was so upset she started crying. He hasn't even talked to the cafeteria staff and will keep eating PB & Js for the rest of his career if they will have him.

8 a.m. Breakfast. Pancakes and bacon with juice. Chris Henry keeps asking the girls if they need anything stronger than juice. He is ejected from the facilities and takes 8 juices with him. Chugs them all and pukes out the window of his car.

8:30 a.m ESPN then reports that Coach has met with the cafeteria workers and taken a better deal for Rubens. Rumored deal includes fries and milk with the Ruben.

9 a.m. Dance Dance Revolution with PacMan Jones. PacMan has gone all out and decorated the room to look like a night club for the kids. Unfortunately, he gets too into the mood and spits on one of the girls. He is asked to leave and brandishes a pool cue feeling someone has disrespected him. Fortunately he leaves when told that Kellen Winslow Jr. is in the parking lot looking for him.

9:30 a.m. Coach tells the kids that he has not made any lunch decision, but now admits to meeting with the cafeteria staff "for a few minutes." Rita corrects Coach by explaining to everyone that they have been talking for 90 minutes actually.

9:45 Steve Slaton and Patrick White pick up the kids and take them to the meeting room to discuss the importance of friends. After sitting in silence for 30 minutes the kids get restless. PW and Slaton decide that speaking isn't their best asset so they decide to have relay races with the kids instead. Two kids are taken to the hospital after being sucked into the afterburner vortex created by both PW and Slaton running at the same time.

10 a.m. The cafeteria workers announce that Coach has until 11 to make a decision. Internet sites are reporting seeing Coach unloading rye bread and sauerkraut. ESPN reports it a done deal.

Meanwhile the kids go to the gym with Amos Zereoue and Todd Sauerbrun. Amos insists on nothing but arm curls. Todd asks each boy, "How much ya bench?" Todd is not lifting, he says he takes "vitamins" instead. When asked by one young boy if he is the punter Todd grows angry. Challenges all children to a fight.

11 a.m. Coach calls a press conference and announces that we will have the peanut butter because the cafeteria workers have made the decision to make the "best lunch in the nation" so they have kicked in an apple and an individual bag of Ruffles for each child.

11:15 a.m. Ultimate frisby with James Jett. Jett teaches the kids how to play and stresses that the contact should be minimal to non-existent. Jett then teaches his team the only play he knows, everyone go long. Despite being open on numerous occasions Jett doesn't make any catches as he hears footsteps and can't concentrate on the "B."

12:30 p.m. Lunch. Everyone enjoys the PB & Js while speculating that Coach was never really going to switch. Meanwhile half the cafeteria workers leave for other schools.

1 p.m. Trip to downtown campus, but buses get stuck in Morgantown traffic for 2 hours and have to return.

3 p.m. Bowling with Mike Vanderjagt. Mike's team is up early and he is perfect through 7 frames, but as the pressure builds he leaves frames 8 and 9 open. Only needing to score a 3 in the tenth Mike throws one ball in the opposing lane and then throws one backwards injuring two. He later goes on Letterman and makes the strike.

4 p.m. Major Harris talks to the kids about staying in school. He tells them:

3rd Grader: How's life after school Major?
Major: Life after school is great. I'm learning new things and everyone is really nice.
3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Major: [grabs 3rd grader's face and whispers] Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.

4:30 p.m Sled riding with Jahmile Addae and Owen Schitt. Addae goes first and wrecks after a hitting a jump. Addae is down for the rest of the afternoon. After the kids get a turn Owen goes down the hill. He takes out the jump, 3 trees, a house, and is last seen barrelling down the interstate undeterred by police roadblocks.

5:30 Coach comes out to tell the kids goodbye. Mike Lorello shows up to drive the kids home. All the girls leave before Coach is finished saying goodbye. Bastard.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Come on WVU girls, you're slacking!

Thanks to With Leather, I stumbled upon FHM's search for sexy sports fans. After extensive and exhausting research, it looks like Louisville is up 1-0 on the Mountaineers.

Come on ladies! This is serious! FHM is still accepting photos, so get those pics in. Have I mentioned that I'm also a great photographer?

Oh, and Bill Parcells, just because you're retired now and that technically makes you a fan, I don't think you're exactly what FHM had in mind.

Sportsline Hates WVU, Particularly Steve Slaton

I may not have a degree in Mathmatics, but I'm pretty sure 123.96 is higher than 123.43.

Sorry about the quality of that image. In case you can't quite read it, the caption reads "Garrett Wolfe ends up as the No. 1 rated running back", but the actual data have* Steve Slaton as number one. Obviously, Sportsline hates Steve Slaton.

*Yes, it is supposed to be "data have". Ass.


WVU continues to struggle with the Mid-American Conference when it comes to scheduling. Last year Buffalo took the money Auburn offered and ran leaving WVU to schedule IAA Eastern Washington as a last minute replacement. This year it looks like Ball State is trying to find a better offer. The replacement may be an upgrade in this case. The MAC is attempting to field another conference school to replace the Balls and it looks like Western Michigan may be the new season opener. The rest of the non-conference schedule remains Marshall, Mississippi State, East Carolina, and Maryland. UMd, ECU, and WMU went bowling last year. Marshall continued to attempt to play its way back to IAA and MSU finished 3-9 with win over Alabama. Look for a lot of complaining by writers about the schedule again.

Cardinals steal WVU commit then hide wallets

Former WVU commitment Victor Anderson has changed his commitment from WVU to UL. The Louisville native was one of two highly touted running backs in this years recruiting class for WVU. Anderson was apparently not a friend of Bobby Petrino and Kragrthorpe took little time to persuade him to stay at home. WVU still has commitments from Terence Kerns of Frederick, MD and Jock Sanders of Saint Petersburg, FL at the RB position. But nothing will be final for another week and a half.

After having gotten a taste of the BCS this year it appears Louisville is doing whatever it takes to keep drinking that sweet nectar. That includes potentially bringing in Willie Williams. As reported at other sites last week Willie, the now 11 times arrested and ex-Miami Hurricane, has been recruited by Louisville. It appears as though Willie will sign with Louisville as property values have been plummeting around the practice facilities for a week now. Willie left Miami after disputes over playing time. At one point he declared he would be coming to WVU before meeting with Rodriguez.

Friday, January 26, 2007

For the sake of the kids III


7 a.m. Arrive and am ushered into Coach Wannsteadt's office. He is busy picking out which pleather jacket (he has hundreds) to wear. His office is awesome in a 1970s Burt Reynolds kind of way. He has dozens of bottles of English Leather, 4 lava lamps, an eight track player, and all of the vinyl furniture was green. Coach wasn't ready to met yet as he needed a while to get the 'stache ready for the long day.

8 a.m. The kids arrive and are taken on a tour of the facilities. They are less than impressed with the 12 "national titles" before 1940 as there are no trophies for them, but instead handwritten "Champs" on construction paper. They would have been shown more, but the Steelers people tell them Pitt needs to pay rent before access to all parts of the stadium. Instead the kids shine Coach's gold medallion and platform shoe collection.

9 a.m Breakfast. Oatmeal and water. Kids claim it is a little bland. Coach calls it blue-collar. After being told the kids want something else Coach blames the cafeteria workers for not giving him enough to work with and states he'll get better.

10 a.m. Morning excercise. The kids play in the parking lot while a drunken Antonio Bryant drives his Lamborghini around as fast as he can. When one of the children is injured he is told he should have "run faster." Coach then takes the kids to see his "bitchin' Camero"

11 a.m. Storytime with local legend Beano Cook. Beano tells Han that he has been avoiding him and Han owes him money. He then tries to eat one of the kids. The children escape through one of the many holes in the wall around Western Pa.

12 p.m. No lunch. Coach forgot to order anything last week and failed to make any adjustments on the fly. Tony Siragusa volunteers to get something for everyone and takes up a collection and heads to KFC. Comes back with a bucket full of bones.

1 p.m. Flag Football game. Wannstedt coaches one team and Pitt grad Marty Schottenheimer coaches the other. Wannstedt has no game plan other than to run the ball up the middle three times then throw a short slant on fourth down. Despite gameplanning all week Schottenheimer goes conservative around the goal line. After an hour it is broken up at 0-0. Shottenheimer still can't win in January and Wannstedt blames the kids for poor execution. Pitt grad Pop Warner rolls over in his grave.

2 p.m. Coach invites the kids to a karyoke sing off. Kids are pumped. Only songs on the machine are by Boston, Foreigner, Journey, Kansas, REO Speedwagon, and Eddie Money. Kids not so happy. Coach wins after belting out a heart warming rendition of "Can't fight this feeling."

3 p.m. The kids are really excited for the afternoon petting zoo. Unfortunately Jackie Sherrill beats them there and is busy castrating every male animal he can find to "fire up" the children to learn. Instead Coach decides to take the children to see the old stadium. When they get off the bus shots they are accosted by a group of homeless men and shots are fired in the background. They flee back to the bus.

4 p.m. Powerpoint presentation on the history of Pitt football capped with modern achievements. The modern achievements stopped around 1983. When asked why Coach told the kids that it wasn't his fault and ran out of the room.

4:30 p.m. Pitt fan carivan. Pitt diehard fans come out to put on a play for the kids. Only two guys and a "girl" that looked a lot like Coach in a dress showed up. They performed an episode of "Three's Company."

5 p.m. Kids are told they can board the bus after catching a pass from either Tyler Palko or Rod Rutherford.

9:30 p.m. All 15 kids get on the bus. Coach thanks them all and gives them each an authentic 1976 twinkie. Coach says goodbye and tells them all to keep rockin' and that disco dancing is for gays.

For the sake of the kids II

Penn State

7 a.m. arrive to see Coach Paterno all ready up and out on the field. He has a broomstick and is attempting to keep kids off his "lawn" which has become a shortcut to school for neighborhood youth.

8 a.m. the kids arrive and Coach shows them around the facilities on his golf cart. He has his blinker on the whole time and then gets lost for 20 minutes before the trainers find him stuck behind a dumpster.

9 a.m. Breakfast. Applesauce and mashed peas.

9:30 Dying coaches hair.

10 a.m Flag football with Lavar Arrington. Lavar plays linebacker and dominates the game early. Then he gets matched up on one of the bigger 10 year olds and can't get through the blocks. He becomes undisciplined in his rush allowing for many scrambles and is eventually benched.

11 a.m. Stand-up comedy with Kerry Collins. Kerry appears slightly inebriated and his "comedy" consists of him making fun of black people and Mexicans. Most of the kids are minorities and begin either crying or forming a plan to attack him. They rush up the middle and Collins scrambles. He is caught two steps later and pummled.

12 p.m. Lunch. Mashed carrots and squash. Coach is slightly confused and starts saying "must eat brains" over and over.

1 p.m. Canooing with Ki-Jana Carter and Curtis Enis. Unfortunately, Ki-Jana tears something in his shoulder during his first row and is unable to continue. He is widely considered one of the biggest busts in canooing history. Enis is equally poor although he continues to try to row. However, after 20 minutes of the children calling him "penis" he quits too.

2 p.m. Coach needs to lay down in his "crypt" for a while. The kids are allowed to fingerpaint, but coach doesn't like all of the new-fangled colors so they only get blue or black.

3 p.m. Coach is up and wants to show the kids some old fashioned calestenics. During a vigorous toe touch he has an accident and must sprint out of the room.

3:30 p.m. On his way out of the room Coach dropped his glasses. The kids are able to see the Rings of Saturn by using the glasses as a telescope.

4 p.m. Kids are playing Playstation in the players lounge. Coach comes in and is startled by all the crazy pictures and sounds coming out of the "box" and smashes the t.v. This causes a fire. Coach runs away terrified. Assistants explain that Coach isn't used to some more "modern" inventions.

4:30 p.m. Kids loaded back onto the bus to leave so Coach can make the blue plate special at Sizzler. Each kid gets a gift bag of Depends, Metamucelle, some hard tack handy, a big band record, and a quarter.

5 p.m. Meet with some of the alumni. They apologize for the day and tell me that it used to be really great in the 70's and 80's. Then they stare off into the horizon and silently weep. Meanwhile coach comes running by chasing a dog. Apparently it stole his teeth.

For the sake of the kids

Where have we been on the weekends? Well, we've been doing some undercover work which I'll start relating to you this afternoon. Many schools have been using this time of the offseason to bring in less fortunate children for learning, exercise, inspiration, or illegal touching (ND and BC). We've been fortunate enough to attend some of these with Maryland, Pitt, VT, Penn State, and (proving we can make fun of ourselves) WVU already in the books. I'm starting with the Maryland trip just because I can and because Mickey wants more UM humor on this site. We will provide a detailed look into the itinerary each school provided for the children and our experiences at the camps.


7 a.m. arrived at the athletic complex early hoping for interview with Friedgen. Found him passed out and covered in some sort of glaze. Trainers came in and gave him a "daily" adrenaline shot straight to the heart. Apparently Coach enjoys a doughnut and fried chicken prebreakfast that routinely gets out of hand.

7-8 a.m. sat around as Coach had to "drop some wolf bait."

8 a.m kids arrive and Coach takes them to a buffet provided by Shoneys. Coach explains the "fancier" places get mad after 5 or 6 trips. Shoneys will also deep fry anything you ask them too. Coach deep fries a whistle and an Under Armor shirt (eats them both).

9 a.m the kids leave the Coach at the breakfast holocaust, he'll catch up later. We head to the football complex and watch an hour long video on "Protecting our house."

10 a.m. Choice of Early morning snack with Coach (peanut butter pancakes and bananas) or morning exercise. Go to the exercise with Shawne Merriman. Despite an impressive weight room Shawne claims the kids don't need to lift if they just take three "flu" shots a day like him. Instead spends an hour teaching the Lights-Out dance. Gets kinda repetitive.

11 a.m. Coach takes us to a study room for an inspirational talk with Sam Hollenbach on his way to "Honk out a dirt snake." Sam's talk quickly becomes a Stuart Smally sketch complete with talking to a mirror. He continually repeats that "He is good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like him." When asked by one kid why he throws so many interceptions Sam breaks down crying. He sobs for the last 45 minutes and the kids are visibly disturbed.

12 p.m. Coach takes us to the meal hall for a light lunch of subs. It is light because there was one 30 foot long sub and Coach got 27 feet of it. We did have juice though. Coach only drinks diet soda as he is watching his weight.

12:30 p.m. Keon Lattimore takes us on a tour of the campus. Spends most of the tour reminding us he is related to Ray Lewis. "Hey kids here is the cafeteria, my brother Ray stabbed a guy with a plastic knife once."

2:00 p.m. Arts and crafts. Kids were really excited for this one. Unfortunately, the workers, Kris Jenkins and Bruce Perry, hurt themselves setting up the crafts table and are out for 4 months. Instead, we sort Under Armor shirts for an hour.

3 p.m. Midafternoon snack with Coach (blubber sandwiches) or football with Neil O'Donnell. Neil is all time quarterback. He throws to the wrong team most of the time and the kids get upset. Neil tells them when they can grow a beard like him they can play qb.

4 p.m. Reading time. Coach is unable to participate because he had to "launch a butt shuttle." Instead E.J. Henderson comes in. E.J. struggles with the book so he switches it to coloring time with E.J. There is only one book though. E.J. stays within the lines pretty well. Most of the kids nap as does E.J. when he tires.

5 p.m. Afternoon exercise. To end the day we go back to the weight room. Vernon Davis is there. We spend the next half hour chanting "We must protect this house" while Vernon flexes in front of the mirror. He strains too hard and reinjures his leg at the end.

5:30 p.m. Bus comes to pick up the kids. Coach is in a food induced coma Nick Novak helps load the kids up. Nick attempts to load the kids onto the bus but he keeps missing short or right. Eventually they all make it and each one receives a $5 Under Armor gift certificate and a dinner box for the ride home. The kids are disappointed when they open the boxes to find empty candy wrappers and the sandwiches eaten, but they do all still have their apples. Keon is standing at the gates with a sign saying, "I am Ray Lewis's brother, dammit."

6 p.m We go to say goodbye to Coach, but he is back in the bathroom. The assistants tell us he spends most of the evening in there and that is why the playbook is so long.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A couple of notes. . .

1. Leave the lighters at home. Apparently someone is sick and tired of hearing about the couches being burned and you don't make the State Legislature mad in WV by God. Just remember, you only get one so make it good.





2. I don't know what the ceiling of this basketball team is yet, but I know what the basement is. The first half of the Marshall game was as bad as we could play. Joe Alexander didn't score and Ruoff sleptwalked through the first 3/4 of the game. Young kept us in the game early singlehandedly. After Summers got into foul trouble Smalligan came in and, I can't believe I'm typing this, took over the game. He hit a three, picked up key rebounds, dunked on a backdoor, and even picked up a technical foul for oldest looking guy not named Greg Oden in college this year. WVU rallied from 13 down to cut it to 5 at the half and took over early in the second half. Apparently Marshall's plan of "turn it into a wrestling match" for the third straight year only worked for a half as they finally started getting called for the holds and pushes late in the first and bringing a switchblade onto the court early in the second.

3. Is it really a rivalry game if no one outside of West Virginia can see it? I'm not sure too many people around the country set up late waiting for those highlights last night on Sportscenter, but hey it makes the State Legislature happy. And we know what happens when they get angry.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Legend of the Fu Grows

Earlier tonight, WVU finally defeated the Blundering Turd in the Friends of Coal meeting in Charleston, 77-63. Unfortunately, my cable company hates me and never lets me see anything nice, so I'm just going by what the WWL has posted on their scoreboard. Besides, I was gorging myself on hot wings in a celebration of minor league football.

Frank Young's facial hair led all shooters with 25 points going 10 for 15 on field goals including 3 of 6 from beyond the arc. Darris Nichols chipped in with 16. WVU shot 54.2% from the field and 39% from three point land while holding Marshall to just 42% from the field. Matthew McConaughey was held scoreless for Marshall. To make up for a sloppy 14 turnovers, the Mountaineers out rebounded Marshall 32-25.

Envious of Frank's gotee, I remain.

Football Alumni Update

Slippery When Wet

Despite strict orders from my secretaries to get a good night's rest, I'm drafting a post at 2 a.m. Why? Because I'm still belching up the 30 wings I had for dinner. Why 30 wings? Because former WVU fullback, Wes Ours, is heading off to training camp for his Arena League team, the Philadelphia Soul, which, in case you didn't know, is owned by none other than the rock god himself, Jon Bon Jovi. Anyway, it got me thinking about WVU players and just who and where everyone is playing.

Current NFL Players:

Anthony Becht (TE) - Tampa Bay

Rich Braham (C) - Cincinnati

Marc Bulger (QB) - St. Louis

Jason Davis (DE) - Houston

Kay-Jay Harris (RB) - St. Louis

Chris Henry (WR) - Cincinnati/Ohio State Penitentiary*

Pacman Jones (DB) - Tennessee

Antwan Lake (DE) - New Orleans

Mike Logan (DB) - Pittsburgh

Mike Lorello (DB) - Pittsburgh

Rasheed Marshall (WR/KR) - Pittsburgh

Dee McCann (CB) - Detroit

Corey McIntyre (RB) - Atlanta

Jerry Porter (WR) - Oakland

Todd Sauerbrun (P) - New England

Gary Stills (LB) - Baltimore

John Thornton (DT) - Cincinnati

Quincy Wilson (RB) - Cincinnati

Arena League:

Tom Briggs (DL) - Tampa Bay Storm

Jason Davis (OL/DL) - Philadelphia Soul

Cecil Doggette (DS) - Columbus Destroyers

Angel Estrada (WR/DB) - New York Dragons

Shawn Foreman (WR/DB/LB) - Grand Rapids Rampage

Khori Ivy (OS) - Los Angeles Avengers

Antwan Lake (OL/DL-DL) - Orlando Predators

Wes Ours (FB/LB) - Philadelphia Soul

Basil Proctor (FB/LB-LB) - Tampa Bay Storm

David Saunders (WR/LB) - Columbus Destroyers

Rick Sherrod (DS) - Columbus Destroyers

Jay Taylor (K) - Orlando Predators

David Upchurch (OL/DL) - Orlando Predators

NFL Europe

Lance Frazier (CB) - Cologne Centurions

Jason Davis (DT) - Berlin Thunder

*We've adopted a bit of an informal policy at Bastard Sons to not mock or defame WVU or current or former players too unnecessarily. However, both Chris Henry and Pacman Jones are exempt from that protection. Furthermore, I would like to apoligize to both Lance Frazier and Jason Davis because being recognized for playing in Europe may be seen, at least in some circles, as being mocked.
** I may fix the formatting tomorrow. If you're lucky.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Completely Unsubstantiated Rumor and More Mocking of Michael Vick

So yesterday, while attempting to stay awake during a 7 hour hearing, a guy I know who knows a guy who watches football and talks to some other guy who reads sports rumors leans over to tell me the latest trade rumor:

Michael Vick and Atlanta's 10th overall pick to Oakland for their 1st overall pick, Randy Moss and Jerry Porter.

While I have no way to substantiate this at this point, as I haven't fired up the Interwebs yet, I just want to say this will simplify my life by centralizing my two most hated things in the sports world, Michael Vick and the Oakland Raiders, into one convenient location. Its like a Walmart for sports hatred.

And while this video has already made it up to a few blogs, such as KSK and With Leather, as a WVU-centric (and, thus, VT-hating) blog, I just have to post it here, too:

Update: Yah! Substantiated. Sorta.

Recruiting nearing completion

With 15 days remaining until national signing day the 2007 recruiting period is almost over. While it is always somewhat unnerving to watch grown men fawning over 17 year old boys, writing non-stop about their size, length, and ability we will attempt to update everyone on the signings of WVU. Besides giving these kids a sense of entitlement, taking underage kids to drinking parties and strip clubs, paying recruits and bribing coaches, it is all exciting. And poor Maryland. When you cheat and get caught you should at least get the recruit. Friedgen tied to stop it, but when he said "Hey don't pay recruits" he had a mouth full of donuts and it came out "Hey, dome pee rerute." But as far as recruiting goes, what is the worst that could happen? The good news is that having been to the gentleman's establishments in Morgantown I can safely say we are keeping recruits as far away as possible if we don't want kids screaming and running (with hopefully 4.2 40 speed) into the night.

WVU will attempt to sign the maximum of 25 this year and currently has around 20-23 commitments. The variance is due to last minute changes in fancy of the young. Currently Rivals has WVU rated at the 31st best class while Scout has WVU 16. The difference, 15 spots. Ha, you thought analysis was coming. Sucker.

Ransacking of the Bulls

WVU has made two of the three hires needed in the offseason from conference rival USF. Greg Frey has been hired as the offensive line coach. Frey had been the longest tenured coach at USF (11 years) having been with the program since it's inception. Frey is a graduate of Florida State University and with any success here will be leaving to help mash Bobby Bowdens peas ASAP.

Rod Smith, not the 80 year old Denver Broncos wide reciever, will also join the WVU staff from USF. Smith will be the quarterbacks coach at WVU after serving as Offensive Cordinator at USF this past season. Smith played for Rodriguez at Glenville State and had served as a GA or coach with Rod until his move to South Florida in 2001. USF runs a spread offense very similar to WVU. It is unknown at this early stage if Smith missed WV causing the return (I'm sure Florida just couldn't compare to Preston County) or wanted to coach with Rodriguez. It is interesting that he took an apparent step down from OC with USF to QB coach at WVU. Any salary differences found will be updated later.

WVU is now in search of a wide reciever/TE coach to fill out the staff. Unfortunately, the WR coach of USF was already poached by old floppy hat Bowden so we must look elsewhere. WVU approached other USF employees and is currently talking to a cafeteria worker named Elmer and a custodian for the library named Sammy, but no offers have been made as of yet.

In other news Jeremy Bruce has been sentenced for his in-season DUI. Bruce was suspended during the season then re-instated and moved up to backup tailback as Schmidt was hobbled. Bruce will serve 16 hours in jail and then be made backup sheriff.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Here's To You, Tummysticks

God I love that song! Mhuwuauauaua!

Seriously though. Its god awful. But what is worse? The song or the dozen fans in the stands who OMG LUV IT !!!11!!1!!11!

If anybody is listening.

I am painfully aware that no one of importance reads this blog. And yes that may be insulting you reading right now, but you suck. Deal with it. But, if anybody has connections to the decision makers within the WVU athletic department, please forward this along. The following is a list of 10 things which would make the gameday experience much more enjoyable at Mountaineer Field.

10. No more noon games. Everyone knows we schedule early games so people can't get too drunk, but noon. As GOB from Arrested Development would say, "C'mon!" If I go out Friday night I have enough problem getting up before noon. Can't we just scale it back to 1 or 2 even?

9. The hedges have to go. When Mountaineer Field was refurbished a few years ago someone made the decision to remove the seats on both sides of the band. These same wizards decided to add some shrubbery. Ni. But apparently no one notified our landscape architecture school because our "hedges" consist of some pinecones and three or four dead bonsai trees. It honestly looks like a mulch pile. Put those seats back in or just make those areas a tribute to Sam Huff and Major Harris. Major isn't up to much he could hang out there, maybe even have a concession stand like Bogg's BBQ in Baltimore.

8. Cotton-Eyed Joe. Please stop this. I'm not kidding. It's beyond embarrassing. There have to be better songs to play during timeouts to get the idiots up to dance. Work with me here people. There is a difference between embracing your heritage, such as the Mountaineer, and embarrassing your heritege and playing a techno version of this song is the latter.

7. Bring the speakers back. A few years ago we had speakers on the field to emit bass when the defense was on the field. They were like one of Satan's burbs. Other teams cried foul about it and they were removed. Bring them back in place of the bells tolling on third down. Against VT they even once hit the "brown note."

6. Show instant replays. I don't know if there is a rule against it, but do it anyway. There is nothing worse than being at the game and seeing a controversial play that goes to review while the crowd gets no second look. Instead of watching the replay I have to ask the idiot next to me to stop dancing to Cotton Eyed Joe and tell me what happened. Dad loves that damn song.

5. Some paint for the stadium. Maybe something not so...gray. Or if it has to be gray just a little touch-up wouldn't hurt.

4. The hospital end scoreboards need to be more than adds for Dairy Mart. Bring back the out of town scores. Bring back the yardage totals. I want to know our rushing totals at all times. It's a big deal when we crack the century mark in passing yards. We need to know when this happens. If we can't have that stats maybe we can play Cotton Eyed Joe when that happens and everyone can dance.

3. No more Black-Eyed Peas. We have pretty good video packages in general. I like the Sr. tributes and the Slaton/Reynaud/Schimdt/White clips after they make a play. I even like the "Good one Patrick." Can't we do without a terrible, now five year old song to "fire" up the crowd right before kickoff. I think we signed a lifetime license. That is the only explanation. If you want to use old songs I've got one word for you, Rage Against the Machine. I can play it on Guitar Hero.

2. Take away the German Shepherds. The goal posts are already taken down. Most of the opponents aren't good enough to rush the field for anyway. They seriously brought out the dogs after the Eastern Washington game this year. Yea, we beat a IAA school, let's riot. It makes us look like a barbarian horde. At least give the police swords then and tell the crowd if they rush they must slaughter their way to the fifty yard line.

1. A personal request. Don't let the guy who sits two rows behind me back in. Ever. I sit in the second row behind the visitors bench. This scholar feels the need to taunt the other team constantly. With brain busters such as, "Hey 14. Nice throw." or "Way to go Syracuse." As though the other team is sitting on the bench going, "Thanks. Hey wait a minute, that's sarcastic. Damn them for making me feel good now bad about my abilities." Then the weeping commences. This guy keeps this up for the entire game. If it happens again next year I'm going to stab him with a bonsai tree during Cotton-Eyed Joe. So help me God.

To Honor the Memory of the Lost Shoe

Last regular season game of the year, I'm piss drunk, as usual. I lose a shoe in mud down by the Pit, but hobble into the game in one shoe and one sock. There was also a stream involved in the losing of the shoe, so my feet are soaked. Its cold. I never found that shoe.

Anyway, here's a decent video of that game, albeit to some Eminem song. I forgot how good Jarrett Brown looked replacing the injured Patrick White.

Guess Who's Back

In news that it is one part bittersweet and two parts what-will-happen-this-time, Coach Rodriguez revealed during half time of the WVU-USF basketball game, that former Five Star recruit, Jason Gwaltney, is officially back in the program.

This time, however, the road to WVU stardom will be difficult. Coach Rodriguez stated that Gwaltney may not be academically eligible for this upcoming season, but he is enrolled at WVU and is participating in the weight training program.

RR is desperately looking for backup options to Steve Slaton. While Slaton has demonstrated high levels of stamina, it goes without saying that a solid #2 option at RB would improve the offense and provide that alternative should Slaton get banged up.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

New Use for Medical Marijuana

The American Journal of Mexico-ian Related Diseases recently published an article claiming miraculous results from the use of THC, or as the rest of us hipsters like to call it "Marijuana Cigarettes" or joints, to treat breakouts of herpes.

"Direct contact with THC killed herpes virus in a University of South Florida (Tampa) 1990 research study by Dr. Gerald Lancz, who warns that 'smoking marijuana will not cure herpes.' However, anecdotal reports indicate a faster drying and healing of the outbreak after topical application of 'strong bud', soaked in rubbing alcohol and crushed into a paste."

Similarly, from a report in the very legitimate looking Schaffer Library of Drug Policy:

"Among other medical uses, a recent study in Florida showed that THC placed in a test tube with a herpes virus killed the virus." Would an Aquafina bottle work instead?

Finally, from a scorned "scientist":

"Ten to fifteen years ago (about 1990), I developed a treatment for herpes outbreaks (both cold sores and other). At that time I tried to share my discovery with different research groups, but was meet with doubt, and ignored." Particularly mean, dispiriting airport security screeners.

"Recently I had reason to revive my treatment method, and found it still works." Millionare client, perhaps?

"I feel it is my responsibility to do so. My problem is my evidence of its effectiveness is limited to only a few trial people (myself being one)." And one other happens to have a brother who bangs middle schoolers.

"Basically the treatment is just a tincture of rubbing alcohol and marijuana. The THC kills the herpes virus on contact and cuts recovery time in half (at least). Also, repeated use reduces, and possibly eliminates, future outbreaks (I have a theory about that but need more testing)." Volunteers? Any volunteers? You in the back, tall guy with the cornrows... yes, number 7... you interested?

(God, I'm revelling in the irony of linking that news story to a Virginia Tech news site.)

When asked about today events at a Miami airport, Vick simply stated, "Its all about suppression, baby!"

Odds and Ends

In what I'm sure will be elaborated on later, it was a bad week for Mexico.

New Mexico is back in the news as he seeks to have his $6.35 million lawsuit dismissed. His accuser is a teenage girl he spent a few years stomping, but not in the leg.

Ron Mexico took it up a notch in showing lil' brother exactly how a Mexico rolls. Vick claimed it was a treatment for his disease. He was later informed he has herpes and not glaucoma.

When asked for comment the two Vicks extended a finger from their shared bedroom window in their parents house.

Before any VT apologists try to bring up Pacman or Henry let me point out that neither of them have a freshman dorm named after them.

In other news WVU thought they had a line coach. Rodriguez hopes to fill the rest of the staff within the next 3 weeks. Still needed are offensive line coach, WR coach, TE coach, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker.

Steve Slaton will miss spring ball while getting his now year needed surgery on his wrist.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

That game

Everyone has one game that stands out in their minds as the most surreal experience at a live event. Whether you proposed marriage, broke up with a girlfriend, or saw someone engaging in a public sex act you remember the surroundings more than the game. Ours just happened to involve a ham sandwich.

The game was scheduled for noon vs. Miami. That meant a Friday night of drinking until 4 a.m. followed by an alarm set for 8 a.m to get that needed 4 hours of drinking. We strictly bypassed any food because it wasted time and required further drinking. During these years we still had seats in the student section. The WVU student section was a strange mix of hot women, drunks, random old dudes, loving couples, and the few there to watch the game. it was, to say the least, eclectic. If you presented the contents of the student section to George Lucas for the bar in Star Wars where Han Solo is introduced he would have told you that it was too weird and no one would believe it.

The only real memorable moment of the first half was five drunk girls slugging off of a plastic gallon of vodka. The girls had no purses or bags to get the alcohol into the game and wearing half shirts and skirts best described as a headband. I have no idea how they got the Vladmir in, but God bless them. Every guy in the section kept one eye on them and the other on the game. Every girl had a reaction of immediate hatred. It was beautiful.

In the game itself, WVU pulled within a single point late in the third quarter. Unfortunately, in the post TD celebration the Mountaineer's shotgun backfired. The mascot was down, on national t.v., due to his gun shooting himself in the face. He stayed down for about 15 minutes and actually required medical attention. During what was up to that point our shining moment on t.v. That Mountaineer was never the same. Every time he fired his gun you could see a slight recoil even though he held the gun 4 feet from his head to protect himself.

The fourth quarter started with two things, a bad call and some taunting between WVU and Miami fans a section over. A guy sitting next to us decided it was time to take matters into his own hands concerning the officials. He did the only thing an irrational drunken fan could. He threw his delicious ham sandwich onto the field. No where near a referee. But, it did land on the goal line with the bread blending it in. We became mesmerized as Miami marched down to to goal line for another score and ran play after play at the ham sandwich. Players from both sides came perilously close to disaster caused by delicious pig and mustard. It seemed like Miami ran off right tackle 100 straight plays at the goal line. Each one behind Kellen Winslow, Jr. Two aspects stood out about Winslow that day. First, he seemed bigger than anyone we had on defense and most of the Miami offensive line. Second, he was the biggest ass I'd ever seen. Constantly pointing, punching, and running his mouth after every play. He seemed to be the type of guy who looked at himself naked in a full length mirror, a lot. And used the word "fag" whenever possible. So during the goal line stand he continually tiptoed around this ominous ham sandwich. We wanted to see him slip on a hammy so freaking bad just to see it on Sportscenter with the injury report, "Winslow, out ACL tear, ham sandwich." But to no avail. Eventually Miami scored giving us an even greater chance for comedy. The flag squad carrying the "U" followed by "MIAMI" circled the enzone. Surely, one of these asshats would slip on a ham sandwich causing the flag to fly out of their hands and all the other "flags" to have to stop in horror. No, and to make matters worse a member of the grounds crew found the sammy before the next drive to our end zone.

While all of this was going on we failed to notice bad blood boiling just feet away. The earlier taunting had turned ugly as Miami put the game away. It started as a shove, then came another, then hell rained down. The section exploded in a brawl. Men fought women. Cats fought dogs. Dads fought sons. Lesbians fought penises. Well maybe not that bad, but about 15 guys started fighting each other. A fight in the bleachers is like a fight on a ski slope. There is no way to get adequate footing for any wrestling manuvers. There was more falling and rolling than actual punching. But, one guy did leap four rows to throw a flying jalapeno forearm at another human being. Police came to break it up. They would throw someone out of the section and grab another. Only, in Keystone Cops fashion, the first guy would come back in a fight some more. They threw one guy out four times. Another guy they quickcuffed and let go so he ran around kicking at people. Only one guy got hurt and of course it was a guy that had nothing to do with the fight. Just some random guy watching the game that got knocked down head first on a bleacher. About this time our section started yelling and pushing as they wanted some action, too. At this time we decided to head for higher ground. As we walked out of the section police were still trying to gather the people to throw out of the stadium. Instead, suspects were fleeing all over the place, some still in quickcuffs. We hit the trail home for our normal routine after a noon game. Food then turn the t.v. on and nap all afternoon to college football. I do remember that WVU lost. And I don't think anyone ever ate that delicious sammy.

Are we savages 2: Nero no more.

I was posting this as a comment and realized it was substantively full enough to warrant its own post, so here were just a few of my observations and points in response to tummystick's eloquent post on savagery:

1) How much joy did we derive from that ham sammy? It just laid there, in the corner of the end zone, unnoticed by everyone on the field, waiting to be picked up and cherished. It wanted to be held, to be loved and to be eaten. It was a brave ham sammy. I liked that ham sammy.

2) OSU fans, for comparison:

3) The Miami brawl was... well.. unbelievable in that I'll-never-fucking-forget-it kind of way. If only Ned was there.

4) The last couches I recall being burned were a few sporadic fires during last year's appearance in the Sweet 16. But rest assured, the frequency and intensity of these pillow stuffed conflagarations are decreasing. I think the most amazing thing was that absolutely no chaos occured when we knocked off Wake Forrest the year before last. Of course, it didn't hurt things that all the students were on Spring Break.

5) I also didn't see any fires after that VT game in '02. But I was focused on finding celebratory vagina.

6) An interesting comparison. Louisville game last year and the Rutgers game this year compared to the Miami game in... um... when Winslow made that heartbreaking catch. I think it was '03 or '04.

We're sitting in our apartment, watching the game wind down and the Mountaineers are up 1 or 2 points with just a few seconds to go. (Important fact: The game was in Miami.) The air was so thick with impending chaos and doom, dogs were hiding and babies were crying. State Police cars were spreading through the city in an attempt to temper the upcoming storm. The fire department was watering down important buildings. If we would have held on, the city would surely have burned to the ground.

Also, wasn't that the same year kids from Shiteau Royale broke into the stadium after a win AT Virginia Tech and tore down the goal posts?

Fast forward two or so years and the Mountaineers have established themselves as a yearly contender. Fans have elevated themselves to expect wins, even against the best teams in the nation.

Third quarter, Louisville is way up. Fans are flocking back to their liquor to dull the senses to what could have been. Bednarick is hurt and in comes our savior, Patrick White, who miraculously leads us back to tie it up. Fans comes streaming back to the game and finally Mountaineer field is alive again. Three suspenseful overtimes later, the Mountaineers emerge as winners. The most sinister act against a Louisville fan? "Welcome to the Big East!!!" The biggest fire? A small campfire which was quickly extinguished.

This past season, the Mountaineers defeat Rutgers in a similar fashion, requiring a suspenseful 3 overtimes to do so. No fires. No chaos. Just 60,000 fans glowing with pride, singing Country Roads and looking forward to that 30 pack of Natty Light.

7) It appears we are gaining nationwide credibility, at least with the fans. Posts on message boards around the Interwebs have become increasingly approving of WVU and our sports teams. Both Coach Rodriguez and Coach Beiline are widely accepted top coaches in their respective sports. Eventually, the WWL and other news outlets will be forced to recognize us as well. As a sports franchise, WVU has reached maturity, and so too have the fans. But just like Suzy Gulpsomecum down at Bent Willy's, it takes time to lose a bad reputation.

Are we savages?

There is a post over at the great site Every Day Should Be Saturday addressing what type of fans people are. I don't think there is any debate as to where WVU would fit into that discussion. At this point, we may be the most talked about fans in college, but for all the wrong reasons. From poopgate to stories of old ladies pulling out shanks and stabbing other old ladies from opposing schools, you hear some crazy stories about WVU fans. Unfortunately, most people outside of the state seem to believe these stories are based in truth. This got me to thinking about why we have this reputation and whether it is justified.

1. The old stadium, the couch burning, and fans from opposing teams have collectively created a myth about Morgantown over the years. It doesn't matter if the stories are true or not, if enough people hear them, they take on a life of their own.

I never attended a game at Old Mountaineer Field, but I have heard plenty about it from friends and family. The crowd was right on the field and to attend the game you had to pass through all the bars on Sunnyside back in the 1970s. This led to a "fun-loving" crowd which is easy for other fans to complain about.

Additionally, it's now to the point that if someone on a message board says they went to a game and were assaulted by roaming packs of fans with pitchforks and torches it is believed. For example, poopgate was widely accepted as fact despite no arrest report, proof of the dump, or proof that it was a WVU fan. In fact, most people from MD, Pitt, or VT then added a story of their own about someone they knew that had a grandparent runover by crazed fans after a game in Morgantown.

Finally, there hasn't been a couch burned in Morgantown in a couple of years, but no one knows it. I get asked by relatives after every game, "Hey you guys beat Wofford, how many couches did you burn?" That behavior has been curbed and although the police have been a part it is mostly because we now expect to win. The fires came mainly after upsets. As long as the Mountaineers are expected to win, it will continue to stay quiet. Besides, most of the fires took place in Sunnyside and in all honesty the aftermath of the charred couch probably improved property values.

In a somewhat related story after we beat VT in 2002, I was out in Morgantown and, although there were fires in all different parts of the town, I never saw one. Now of course I may have been a little intoxicated and not had the greatest perception skills going on, but the point is that it's all what you were looking for. If you wanted to burn furniture and try to tip a car and get arrested we had that available, but there were alternatives such as just celebrating by drinking until your face fell off. I wouldn't recommend combining the two, you'll burn your face when it hits the ground.

2. The rivals. MD and Pitt have helped to spread the stories over the years to anyone who will listen. It also seems as though the stories intensify as their teams lose to the Mountaineers on the field. We even had Mark May going on ESPN saying not to take your helmet off at WVU games or have pennies thrown at you.

But our biggest rival has the best stories. VT is THE rival for WVU fans of my generation much like Penn St. was for my father. It really escalated when VT started winning games and extending their fan base. Then, as Ron Burgandy would say, it really jumped up a notch. During the Vick/Randall/Vick II years, the ACC raided the Big East and in a bout of sheer joy/pain, depending upon the year, the underdog in each year's matchup knocked off the favored team. Because the teams no longer play, the fans from both sides have resorted to mocking the other program. We tell VT fans that their team chokes every year and they in turn tell anyone who will listen that our fans are cannibals.

3. In modern times, the stories have continued as there have been videos showing WVU fans heckling and harrassing fans from other schools as they enter the game on youtube. Some of these videos have obviously been done to cause a reaction or with the help of a WVU friend. While others are shameful, but usually contained to a person or two being an ass. In addition, the presence of guard dogs and armed guards with the occasional post game pepper spray made us look even more unhinged as a fan base. It also doesn't help that every televised game has a cutaway to the craziest looking WVU fan. We happen to have one of the best looking groups of female fans in the country and they never get shown. Instead, the production crew repeatedly shows the guy who looks like he spent all day hunting deer with a switchblade and wearing the deer carcuss for a hat.

4. Is it true? I am sure there is some truth to the stories. Our fans are very vocal and do enjoy the pregame festivities as much as any other fanbase. I have seen rival students in the student section taunted and had drinks and cheese poured on them before removed by security. I even witnessed a fight in the student section during a Miami game which was the scariest moment at a game since fighting on bleachers is not a safe strategy. However, I have attended every home game for five straight years, three in the student section, and the only thing I've seen thrown on the field was a ham sandwhich. I also attended many games growing up and have asked my dad, but we can't recall too many other instances of out of contol behavior. Now in all honesty the old man wasn't really paying attention as he was looking for babies to toss off of the upperdeck.

5. Does it matter? I would say yes. On the good side, it is a source of intimidation, especially at night. Anyone attending a night game has felt that electric feel in the air of barely controlled alcoholism and rage with a hint of fear. There is also always the chance of seeing someone impaled. I would never want to temper the passion of our fanbase as we have great traveling fans for such a small and poor state.

But on the bad side, it makes the school look bad and that only hurts the value of a WVU diploma. Worse yet, some teams won't come here to play simply based upon reputation. But the worst aspect is constantly having to defend ourselves against fans from other schools, even if the stories are blatently untrue. Recently, the reputation reached a point of diminishing returns, i.e. it is now hurting the school and team more than it is worth as our teams are now constantly in the top 25, but how do we combat 1 and 2?

Any suggestions?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

To Join the Fray

After trying to come up with something intelligent to say, other than that which has already been said on Deadspin or KSK, I've decided I have nothing to add except for this:

Marvin Harrison. He's got the silent demeanor of a ninja assassin. No one fucks with ninjas.

On a Sad, Serious Note...

I don't care what the rest of you think, but I like NASCAR. Well, I used to. The television coverage of NASCAR over the last several years has been a notch or two below god awful. But I still catch the occasional race and try to follow the news. I also have a feeling that if and when we ever actually get readers, there will be a few NASCAR fans among the millions dozen of them.

On that note, there's some sad news coming out of NASCAR land, Benny Parsons, 1973 Winston Cup Champ, succumbed today to lung cancer at the age of 65.

Growing up, NASCAR was about the only sport I shared with my father as we religiously spent every Sunday watching cars turn left for 4 hours and continues to be the number one subject of our occasional telephone conversations. I am too young to remember Benny Parsons as anything other than a commentator, but those memories are fond. He always seemed to me to be the only person who actually knew what he was talking about. He made the broadcasts bareable, and I mean that in a good way.

In the modern NASCAR world, where "boogity boogity boogity" is apparently a great catchphrase, BP continued his fine ways of actually watching the race and giving meaningful, insightful comments. His contributions will be sorely missed.

Benny Parson

Gather 'round kiddies it's story time

This is a story about a party, hence the picture, although this party has absolutely nothing to do with dogs, balloons or streamers. Before I start the story let me say that if you perform a "girls drinking" in google images search with the filters turned off, you get some seriously messed up photos.

This is the story of why Mike Lorello is the patron saint of our site. You see I lived in an apartment in Morgantown for a few years and O.S. was one of my roommates during this time. The place was your typical college apartment in Morgantown. In case you have never been there, the town has three types of housing for students: Adequate, which is unaffordable and not in town. Houses looking like they are going to fall off the side of a hill and the millions of cookie cutter apartments with all the architectural originality of 1970s sporting complexes in St. Louis, Pittsburgh, and Cincinatti. We lived in the third type of housing in the area by the football stadium that resembles Mexico City a little more each passing year with the deteriorating roads and continual housing additions. I won't mention the place we lived, along with my dogs and the future Mrs., but it does have a French sounding name which I believe is translated to House with Cheese.

Now living there was like a box of chocolates, you were never sure what you were going to get but it would probably suck. There was never parking and if it snowed or iced at all the slanted parking areas became death rinks. The walls were paper thin so if you had "active" neighbors it was fun for a few days, then you prayed for a mono outbreak. While we lived there, the entire floor we lived on flooded and we had to evacuate for a almost a month. But on the positive side, there were copious amounts of hot women running around that place. And our neighbors across the street didn't wear anything but underwear (if that) during the day. Which reminds me. Some day if you're real good I'll tell you a little story about the "Sandy Crab." Anyway we had three extraordinarily hot neighbors living above us for a year. During that time I believe O.S. spent all of his waking hours planning ways to "accidentally" bump into them. Well it paid off and one night he got invited to a house party they were throwing. I had shit to do, so I did not join in this party. When I got home he wasn't in the house yet which I took as a good sign. Well the next day I saw him and asked how it went and he didn't respond. He just kept watching t.v. with a Jack Nicholson in The Shining glaze on his face. Finally, after much cajoling, he told me what happened.

He had spent the entire night working that party like an assassin waiting to find his mark and make the kill. During most of the night he was holding court for a group of about four girls. They had waiting with baited breath on every word he spoke. His only decision was which of these lovely ladies would he buying breakfast for or could he afford to spring for four. As he is in his charming best the door opens and in walks a guy he has never met. He doesn't pay any attention, but continues to talk to the ladies, only as he turns around they have sprinted to the door in a shrieking usually only heard in Beatles clips. This handsome stranger walked in to say hello and every girl in the place ran like a moth to the flame. Even after he left, all the girls only wanted to talk about him. O.S. continued to try to work his magic, but this stranger had broken the spell that he had cast earlier. O.S. spent the next 45 minutes trying to recover working every angle in the apartment only to retire alone and the girls he previously had charmed like the Pied Piper never even noticed his exit. "Who the hell was he?" I asked. "Dunno, some football player. Loredo or Ladello, something." "Was it Mike Lorello?" I asked. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

I explained that Mike was now a starting safety for the football team despite only being a sophomore. Unimpressed, O.S. told me he wasn't that big and probably not that good. Well for the next three years every tackle/play Lorello made, and there were a lot of them, O.S. had to hear from me, "That's your boy Lorello." O.S. grew to hate the name, but then as he saw play after play being made, he too grew to love Lorello, though I don't think in the same way as the ladies. At least I hope not. For Mike's sake. So to you Mike Lorello, for being on all accounts a great guy, but an accidental cock-block and for providing me with years of happiness and while watching O.S. begrudgingly admit your abilities you are the Patron Saint of The Bastard Sons of Pinfall Marks. My only wish was that you were 4 inches taller and could be dominating the NFL right now so I could call up O.S. every Sunday to ask him about "our boy."

Couple Quick Notes Before I Run Off to Court

Brian Brohm has decided to forego the NFL draft and return to Louisville where he will continue be his older brother's little bitch.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, still without a new head coach, have picked up former WVU quarterback Rasheed Marshall assumedly as a kick/punt returner. Marshall returned 26 kicks in 2006 for San Fransisco and averaged 18.8 yards/return. Not too shabby. However, considering Big Ben's paultry performances last year, it wouldn't be too far fetched to see Rasheed playing a little slashback, ala Kordell Stewart minus the cross-dressing.

ESPN celebrates MLK day

ESPN celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day yesterday with segments from various personalities reflecting on what the man and the work of his life meant to them. The thoughts of Tom Jackson and John Thompson, among others, were especially poignant. Unfortunantly, not all of the taped segments went smoothly as some of the anchors had a problem shifting from "ESPN Personality" mode. We have uncovered a transcript from one such segment which luckily never made it past the cutting room floor.

"Today we celebrate the life of the Rev. Martin Luther 'It don't mean a thing if it aint got that' King, Jr. Dr. King, FROM?!?!?! Morehouse College with a Ph.D. from Boston University. He first made national news when he organized the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1955 after Rosa 'Yosemite and Yellowstone are National' Parks refused to move to the back, back, back, back, back, back of the bus. Dr. King had to overcome so many obstacles during these years, but he managed to evade them all. Whoop!!! right past racial segregation on public transport. Whoop!!! past racial prejudice. Whoop!!! past injustice and prejudice. The Jim Crow laws of the 1950's put all black men at a disadvantage as they tried to move upward in life, but that's why they play the game. It could be especially bad in the south, and we know a little something about the south now don't we."

Clip of Berman making catch in Tampa Bay preseason camp circa 1982 shown. "A young Boomer streaking down the sidelines, much like a young Dr. King streaking past the F.B.I. wiretaps that produced no evidence of communists in the Civil Rights Movement."

"Some of the rights that a black man was denied in the 1960's included voting, labor rights, and of course there was segregation. But nobody circles the wagons like the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. At a time when poor leadership could have led to rumbling, bumbling, and stumbling in advances, Dr. King stressed the non-violent civil disobedience with great results."

"The early successes led to Dr. King being part of the March on Washington in 1963. The crowd awaited in anticpation to see if Dr. King could. go. all. the. way. in a speech to the audience. Would the reverend Fumble?!?!?!? No, he delived the famous 'I have a dream' speech' and became the youngest recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964. This just in. . .Dr. King, he was good. And Boom knows a little something about being up in front of a crowd and delivering the goods."

Clip of Berman singing with Huey Lewis circa 1991 shown. "Oh, that was a good day for the Boomer."

"In the world of sports think of how different the landscape is now than in the 1950's before Dr. King and his movement. Sports has become an equal playing field for people of all color from the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field to the New Sombrero. Young men of all colors can grow up wishing to play for the G-men, you know the New York Football Giants on the East Coast or Da Raid-ahs on the west coast. This is true in all sports, not just football.

Clip of Berman making put in Pro-Am event circa 1993 shown. "Like in golf, and Boomer knows all about making a pressure putt in golf, and just like racial equality it's good."

"There is still a lot of work to be done in this country. Will we ever get there? The Swami Sez, yes in the year 2023 when the Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers will battle it out in the Super Bowl. Of course you will be able to see those highlights on. . . The Blitz."

I think ESPN made the right decision in sitting on this one.

A gift to say we are sorry

For our two faithful readers We'd like to apologize for the lack of posts over the weekend, but we were busy trying to destroy what little function our liver had left.

To make amends I've decided to post a video of one of my dogs. I can't say that I taught him this because we got him from the pound. Therefore I have no idea how long he has been able to do this. Actually I'm not even sure how old he is. A local vet suggested sawing him in half to count the rings, but I'm pretty sure he is wrong on that one. And by local vet I mean guy I met at Mutts that was taking horse tranquilizers. Anway please accept our apologies and enjoy. As Dirk Diggler said in Boogie Nights, everyone has that one special thing that they can do well.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Recruit Rankings are Garbage Anyway

Chris Petersen won Coach of the Year honors. Rich Rodriguez was wooed by the storied Alabama program.

So how do these schools compare in recruiting?

Boise St.OklahomaWVU
5 star recruits:030
4 star recruits:0131
3 star recruits:086
5 star recruits:000
4 star recruits:0160
3 star recruits:2611
5 star recruits:030
4 star recruits:082
3 star recruits:267
5 star recruits:021*
4 star recruits:1130
3 star recruits:51013

In all fairness, Stoops does have a National Championship under his belt, so this isn't necessarily a knock against him. I'm merely trying to point out that Boise State's win over Oklahoma is really something special. The Broncos getting to the BCS game, then actually winning it with little more than 2 and 3 star recruits is like getting alone with Jessica Alba and not blowing your wad the second she takes off her panties.

For instance, Jared Zabransky was an unrated QB coming out of high school. Ian Johnson and the Bronco's leading recevier were both 2 star recruits coming out of high school.

I threw in WVU because, well, we're pretty much a WVU blog.

But what about the other big name players? Adrian Peterson was a 5 star recruit, no big surprise there, as he kicked ass and took names his Freshman year (and ever since, barring injuries). But, Steve Slaton and Patrick White were both 2 star "Athletes" coming out of high school.

*On an unfortunate note, WVU's lone 5 star recruit up there was none other than Jason Gwaltney, who, between bouts of homesickness and an alleged wandering pee pee, left the program towards the end of his freshman season. Word is he's trying to return to WVU in what some reports suggest is a linebacker role.

I guess all this just goes to show high school player rankings have a little, but not absolute, determination with respect to the success of their respective collegiate destinations. Sorry for the bad news USC.

Line 'em up

So I heard a story about another Mountaineer victory from the Gator Bowl. Apparently the legend decided to sow some wild oats around the Jax area. He missed the game, though, as he decided to hit 5 local clubs and challenge the 5 biggest drinkers at each location to an Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark style shot contest. Only BA took them on one after another Diggstown style. The only break he took was to "motorboat" any lucky lady that walked by (and in all honesty a few fat guys towards the last few contests). Well I'm happy to announce that the Champ is still undefeated, but we haven't seen him for a few weeks. Word is he drank until 5 then sprinted the 830 miles up the interstate to arrive at work around 8. He would have arrived sooner, but he finally tapped the seal around 6:30 and peed for an hour straight. Started a little thing the locals have dubbed the "Potomac River." I believe it's an old native american word for "crafted by the immortals." We've tried to call, but with all the ladies from the clubs constantly calling and begging for the ole "handle and a tumble" I guess his phone is constantly busy. That reminds me, did I mention that had to add a cellphone tower to his living room? That man is my idol. I wish he would put a collar on me and take my for walks in the woods. My guess is 16 years from now the Jacksonville area high schools are going to have an influx of BAMFs to deal with. In anticipation the local liquor stores are already beginning to add additional wings and all nancy boys are being told they have 5 years to evacuate. Why only five? Well BA killed his first man at 2 and even with his seed diluted by non-WV women they don't want to take any unnecessary risks.

For Me to Poop On

Not that I have seen it, but I'll take this guy's word on it, at least until it airs at 4 a.m. on TBS and I'm passed out drunk on the couch with the tube still on.

We! Are! Marshall! is dumb. Pointless. Bad. Poorly executed. Meandering. Clich├ęd. Sentimental in all the wrong ways.
Do go on.

We Are Marshall is the latest in a series of treacly inspired-by-actual-events sports films (Remember the Titans, Miracle, Glory Road, Invincible, The Greatest Game Ever Played), each worse than the previous, as the big studios attempt to mine every last fucking decent sports-related storyline to come out of the last
century, up to and until we are finally forced to sit through an inspirational
tale of 2004’s Pacers-Pistons “Malice at the Palace” and its aftermath (and true
to the “inspired by” template, the Pistons will be depicted as fire-breathing Nazis, 17 spectators will be mauled to death, and David Stern will execute Ron Artest by guillotine.

Seriously, in McConaughey’s long and storied career of loathsomely charismatic
roles, he completely outdoes himself here. He’s Dudley fucking Dooright with a
thick, honeyed drawl, and he provokes the kind of anger in me generally reserved
for Larry (the fucking) Cable Guy and the color commentary of Joe Theismann.

Of course, “The Young Thundering Herd,” as they are called, is no damn good...
Um, they still aren't.

Seriously though, I'd rather watch the Notebook for 48 straight hours than this pile of garbage.

New Suspect in Williams Murder

The NFL, in a rare showing of compassion not related to steroid use, has agreed to return a $15k fine levied against deceased Bronco's cornerback Darrent Williams, so that that money may be utilized to care for and support the deceased player's children, of which only 2 are currently known.

However, the gesture reveals additional details concerning motives behind the unexplained driveby shooting:

"Williams had words with official James Coleman in the fourth quarter, according to the DENVER POST.

"After the game, Williams and Denver safety Nick Ferguson insisted that Coleman began the dispute. Williams, though, was fined. In late December,Williams had his appeal heard by the NFL. A decision was expected as soon as this week."

So, an NFL player had words with an NFL official. The NFL fines the player. That NFL player ends up dead. And the NFL gives back the money. Hmm...

Careful James Coleman, Carl Monday is watching you.

Meanwhile, Javon Walker has reportedly changed shirts.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Midseason Report on BBall

With the basketball season halfway done and conference play beginning I decided to put a Cliff notes version of the team together for those yet to see them play. The good news is that this team is MUCH more athletic than the last few years which results in better defense, rebounding, and the ability to run the break. The bad news is that the team is very inexperienced resulting in poor offensive rythm throughout the game. ND, for example, showed that if you get physical this team has the propensity to play rec league style, i.e. four guys stand at the three point line waiting to launch with one guy downlow. The team has played very few road games and has struggled when they haven't jumped out to an early lead. Let's take a look at the team and then the schedule to see what is in store for the rest of the year.

The Returners:
Frank Young. We used to watch during his Fr. and Soph. seasons to see how many shots he made during warmups. Not many. Now he is the leading scorer on the team averaging 14.5/game. There was a report by Len Elmore that he was booed earlier in the year. Actually the crowd said "Fu," in support of Franks' long goatee.

Darius Nichols. Has improved on an aspect of his game every year. Added defense last year and outside shooting this year. His shooting percentages have increased from 38.4% to 49.0% this year while making 40.0.% of his threes and 88.9% from the line (all career bests). Wait until he adds chainsaw juggling next year, halftime will rule.

The Clones:
Joe Alexander. The replacement for Mike Gansey looks and plays like a taller, a little more athletic version. At 6'8'' he is the best pure athlete on the team, but very raw, sometimes resembling a new born dear or an elephant on stilts, he could sprint the court and throw down a breath taking dunk, or he could crash and burn getting his head stuck between the rim and the backboard there really is no way to tell.

Alexander Ruoff. Herbert was the jack of all trades, master of none that never left the court. Ruoff is a better shooting version of this mold at 38.4% from three. Much like Herbert, he is used to break the full court man press. Also like Joe, this is a breathtaking experience of limbs flying and dribbles oh so close to being off of a leg or stolen, however, he gets the job done more often than not.

Da'Sean Butler. Best pure player, would win any tournament of one-on-one with the team. Is a 6'7'' version of Tyrone Sally. Could be the X-factor to the team as he is one of the only players with the consistent ability to take their player to the basket if the offense breaks down.

The Down Low (players): A friend told me once that Kevin Pittsnogle looked like the kind of guy that smelled like cigarrettes and balogna. We have missed that presence this year.

Rob Summers. Most improved player. Went from lost last year to a defense presence. Sets the best screens on the team (actually important in this offense) and hustles on the boards. He also is able to play despite spending 4 hours a day trimming his line-beard and three hours admiring it (that's 7 hours of beard related activity daily).

Jamie Smalligan. Trying to take KPs' role as the big-man shooter not the smelling like balogna. Hitting 37.5% of threes. May be slightly thinning on top or has a really bad haircut.

The Bench:
Joe Mazzulla. The Fr. guard has shown the ability to handle the ball, but a reluctance to shoot. Only playing about 9 minutes a game right now, but may have to play more during some key games due to foul troubles of others.

Devan Bawinkel. At 6'5'' and a generous listing of 185 pounds the rail thin Fr. guard is hopefully the next sharpshooter of the bench. Right now he is showing not only his ribs, but a lack of aggression when teams are physical. He may be a pacifist or have an eating disorder.

Wellington Smith. Has not seen huge minutes yet at 5.1/game, but already leads the team in amazing dunks. The 6'7'' Fr. has thrown down follow-ups in a few games and is shooting over 60% from the floor in his limited time. Will be the breakout of next years team.

Remaining Games: WVU is currently 13-2 (2-1), we'll list these as games in which WVU shoule be favored or underdogs.

USF (9-8)
Marshall (5-10)
@ Cincinnati (9-6)
DePaul (10-7)
Rutgers (7-8)
Seton Hall (10-5)
Cincinnati (9-6)

@ Marquette (14-4)
@ Seton Hall (10-5)
Pitt (15-2)
UCLA (14-1)
@ Georgetown (11-4)
@ Providence (12-3)
@ Pitt (15-2)

So if we win the games we are favored and lose the dogs our record will be 20-9. Unfortunately, with the youth of this team that won't happen so we may need to steal a few dog games or make a run through the Big East Tournament to hit that record. Would that record get us in the Big Dance? Normally, yes. But, the Big East is down this year and won't be getting in 8-10 teams this year and our RPI will not be good due to the easy early schedule we played. So we may need to get a signature win (Pitt or UCLA) to enhance the resume. My guess as to the final regular season record after the Big East Tournament will be 19-12 and bubblicious.

PW is better than anyone else in Alabama

And just for shits and giggles I'll add the greatest run I've ever seen not by PW, Slaton, or the Major.

BTW, that is the same guy flying through the air that was stomping on people in the FIU brawl this year. I think Q gave him brain damage.

You thought our schedule was weak this year? Ha!

In an attempt to further bolster their strength of schedule, the powers that beat have scheduled mighty, mighty Ball State (2006: 5-7, 5-3) for West Virginia's season opener on September 1st. However, it will be a nice opportunity to test their hopefully improved secondary as Ball State's QB, Nate Davis, is expected to be one of the premier passers in the MAC next year.

While most of the remaining dates have yet to be set, the schedule features a few challenges:

The Manchin Bowl against the Matthew McConaughey coached Blundering Turds, which in all reality should not be tough, but considering how the basketball team performs each year against WVU's instate rival, cannot be glanced over.

According to the schedule at, West Virginia will play at Maryland this year, despite rumors to the contrary. The biggest question here is whether the folks at Byrd Stadium will expand the player tunnels enough to permit 18-wheeler access - as that's the only way Friedgen will be able to make it to the sideline. That's it Coach, you rest those weary legs and no, I don't care how delicious it looks, you can't eat your watch.

The biggest challenge next year presumably is three road games against Rutgers, Cincy and South Florida. Louisville comes to Morgantown next year with a new coach and presumably a new QB.

Further down the road, the Mountaineers feature a 1&1 with Auburn in '08 & '09, Michigan State in '10 & '11 and Florida State in '12 & '13 (feature Bobby Bowden in a cryogenic chamber).

And yes, I really do miss college football this badly.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Odds and Ends

Michael Bush is gone. That's no surprise. However, Matt Simms, younger brother of NFL alleged quarterback, Chris Simms, has reportedly decommitted from Louisville.

West Virginia: currently has the Mountaineers at 14/1 to win the 2008 National Championship. Not too shabby.

And I call myself a hockey fan...

Last year, the Brew Pub discovered a secret German beer recipe. It was delicious. It was so good, in fact, they froze it so they could skate on it and then in the spring, they melted it and drank it. But while they were skating on it, a surprising thing happened: a hockey team appeared. And they were apparently pretty good. As of two days ago, the WVU hockey team was 19-9-0-0 (8-3-0-0). But apparently not good enough to be listed on the university's athletics page:

Sad, but true. As a member of the American Collegiate Hockey Association, the Skating Mountaineers face such powerhouses as Lindenwood and West Chester Universities. (In all fairness, they also face Illinois, Penn State, Oklahoma and Arizona, where I know hockey is big). The Mountaineers are currently ranked 16th, which suggests they are slightly better than the Cumberland Y's championship rec team. Let's give credit where credit is due: They have miraculously turned the program around as the team was 3-26-3-0 during the 2002-03 campaign. I mean, let's face it, Lindenwood was a powerhouse that year.

To perform such an amazing turnaround, WVU Hockey relies on such obvious hockey talent as assistant captain, Jeff Holabaugh - all 145 pounds of him - when he's soaking wet - and team captain, namely Tony Attanucci, who looks like he would shank you and is an impressive 5'8" 160 lbs.

Seriously though, despite it being second tier Division I hockey, I still got to support them - its an athletic team at WVU (plus I don't want shanked at Bent Willies by Attanucci). If only I would have known about them. That's why we're here folks: to inform, then mock. So go check out their web site and maybe a game (if the Mon ever freezes over).

WVU Hockey Team