Friday, January 19, 2007

If anybody is listening.

I am painfully aware that no one of importance reads this blog. And yes that may be insulting you reading right now, but you suck. Deal with it. But, if anybody has connections to the decision makers within the WVU athletic department, please forward this along. The following is a list of 10 things which would make the gameday experience much more enjoyable at Mountaineer Field.

10. No more noon games. Everyone knows we schedule early games so people can't get too drunk, but noon. As GOB from Arrested Development would say, "C'mon!" If I go out Friday night I have enough problem getting up before noon. Can't we just scale it back to 1 or 2 even?

9. The hedges have to go. When Mountaineer Field was refurbished a few years ago someone made the decision to remove the seats on both sides of the band. These same wizards decided to add some shrubbery. Ni. But apparently no one notified our landscape architecture school because our "hedges" consist of some pinecones and three or four dead bonsai trees. It honestly looks like a mulch pile. Put those seats back in or just make those areas a tribute to Sam Huff and Major Harris. Major isn't up to much he could hang out there, maybe even have a concession stand like Bogg's BBQ in Baltimore.

8. Cotton-Eyed Joe. Please stop this. I'm not kidding. It's beyond embarrassing. There have to be better songs to play during timeouts to get the idiots up to dance. Work with me here people. There is a difference between embracing your heritage, such as the Mountaineer, and embarrassing your heritege and playing a techno version of this song is the latter.

7. Bring the speakers back. A few years ago we had speakers on the field to emit bass when the defense was on the field. They were like one of Satan's burbs. Other teams cried foul about it and they were removed. Bring them back in place of the bells tolling on third down. Against VT they even once hit the "brown note."

6. Show instant replays. I don't know if there is a rule against it, but do it anyway. There is nothing worse than being at the game and seeing a controversial play that goes to review while the crowd gets no second look. Instead of watching the replay I have to ask the idiot next to me to stop dancing to Cotton Eyed Joe and tell me what happened. Dad loves that damn song.

5. Some paint for the stadium. Maybe something not so...gray. Or if it has to be gray just a little touch-up wouldn't hurt.

4. The hospital end scoreboards need to be more than adds for Dairy Mart. Bring back the out of town scores. Bring back the yardage totals. I want to know our rushing totals at all times. It's a big deal when we crack the century mark in passing yards. We need to know when this happens. If we can't have that stats maybe we can play Cotton Eyed Joe when that happens and everyone can dance.

3. No more Black-Eyed Peas. We have pretty good video packages in general. I like the Sr. tributes and the Slaton/Reynaud/Schimdt/White clips after they make a play. I even like the "Good one Patrick." Can't we do without a terrible, now five year old song to "fire" up the crowd right before kickoff. I think we signed a lifetime license. That is the only explanation. If you want to use old songs I've got one word for you, Rage Against the Machine. I can play it on Guitar Hero.

2. Take away the German Shepherds. The goal posts are already taken down. Most of the opponents aren't good enough to rush the field for anyway. They seriously brought out the dogs after the Eastern Washington game this year. Yea, we beat a IAA school, let's riot. It makes us look like a barbarian horde. At least give the police swords then and tell the crowd if they rush they must slaughter their way to the fifty yard line.

1. A personal request. Don't let the guy who sits two rows behind me back in. Ever. I sit in the second row behind the visitors bench. This scholar feels the need to taunt the other team constantly. With brain busters such as, "Hey 14. Nice throw." or "Way to go Syracuse." As though the other team is sitting on the bench going, "Thanks. Hey wait a minute, that's sarcastic. Damn them for making me feel good now bad about my abilities." Then the weeping commences. This guy keeps this up for the entire game. If it happens again next year I'm going to stab him with a bonsai tree during Cotton-Eyed Joe. So help me God.

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