Friday, January 26, 2007

For the sake of the kids III


7 a.m. Arrive and am ushered into Coach Wannsteadt's office. He is busy picking out which pleather jacket (he has hundreds) to wear. His office is awesome in a 1970s Burt Reynolds kind of way. He has dozens of bottles of English Leather, 4 lava lamps, an eight track player, and all of the vinyl furniture was green. Coach wasn't ready to met yet as he needed a while to get the 'stache ready for the long day.

8 a.m. The kids arrive and are taken on a tour of the facilities. They are less than impressed with the 12 "national titles" before 1940 as there are no trophies for them, but instead handwritten "Champs" on construction paper. They would have been shown more, but the Steelers people tell them Pitt needs to pay rent before access to all parts of the stadium. Instead the kids shine Coach's gold medallion and platform shoe collection.

9 a.m Breakfast. Oatmeal and water. Kids claim it is a little bland. Coach calls it blue-collar. After being told the kids want something else Coach blames the cafeteria workers for not giving him enough to work with and states he'll get better.

10 a.m. Morning excercise. The kids play in the parking lot while a drunken Antonio Bryant drives his Lamborghini around as fast as he can. When one of the children is injured he is told he should have "run faster." Coach then takes the kids to see his "bitchin' Camero"

11 a.m. Storytime with local legend Beano Cook. Beano tells Han that he has been avoiding him and Han owes him money. He then tries to eat one of the kids. The children escape through one of the many holes in the wall around Western Pa.

12 p.m. No lunch. Coach forgot to order anything last week and failed to make any adjustments on the fly. Tony Siragusa volunteers to get something for everyone and takes up a collection and heads to KFC. Comes back with a bucket full of bones.

1 p.m. Flag Football game. Wannstedt coaches one team and Pitt grad Marty Schottenheimer coaches the other. Wannstedt has no game plan other than to run the ball up the middle three times then throw a short slant on fourth down. Despite gameplanning all week Schottenheimer goes conservative around the goal line. After an hour it is broken up at 0-0. Shottenheimer still can't win in January and Wannstedt blames the kids for poor execution. Pitt grad Pop Warner rolls over in his grave.

2 p.m. Coach invites the kids to a karyoke sing off. Kids are pumped. Only songs on the machine are by Boston, Foreigner, Journey, Kansas, REO Speedwagon, and Eddie Money. Kids not so happy. Coach wins after belting out a heart warming rendition of "Can't fight this feeling."

3 p.m. The kids are really excited for the afternoon petting zoo. Unfortunately Jackie Sherrill beats them there and is busy castrating every male animal he can find to "fire up" the children to learn. Instead Coach decides to take the children to see the old stadium. When they get off the bus shots they are accosted by a group of homeless men and shots are fired in the background. They flee back to the bus.

4 p.m. Powerpoint presentation on the history of Pitt football capped with modern achievements. The modern achievements stopped around 1983. When asked why Coach told the kids that it wasn't his fault and ran out of the room.

4:30 p.m. Pitt fan carivan. Pitt diehard fans come out to put on a play for the kids. Only two guys and a "girl" that looked a lot like Coach in a dress showed up. They performed an episode of "Three's Company."

5 p.m. Kids are told they can board the bus after catching a pass from either Tyler Palko or Rod Rutherford.

9:30 p.m. All 15 kids get on the bus. Coach thanks them all and gives them each an authentic 1976 twinkie. Coach says goodbye and tells them all to keep rockin' and that disco dancing is for gays.

No comments: