7 a.m. arrive to see Coach Paterno all ready up and out on the field. He has a broomstick and is attempting to keep kids off his "lawn" which has become a shortcut to school for neighborhood youth.
8 a.m. the kids arrive and Coach shows them around the facilities on his golf cart. He has his blinker on the whole time and then gets lost for 20 minutes before the trainers find him stuck behind a dumpster.
9 a.m. Breakfast. Applesauce and mashed peas.
9:30 Dying coaches hair.
10 a.m Flag football with Lavar Arrington. Lavar plays linebacker and dominates the game early. Then he gets matched up on one of the bigger 10 year olds and can't get through the blocks. He becomes undisciplined in his rush allowing for many scrambles and is eventually benched.
11 a.m. Stand-up comedy with Kerry Collins. Kerry appears slightly inebriated and his "comedy" consists of him making fun of black people and Mexicans. Most of the kids are minorities and begin either crying or forming a plan to attack him. They rush up the middle and Collins scrambles. He is caught two steps later and pummled.
12 p.m. Lunch. Mashed carrots and squash. Coach is slightly confused and starts saying "must eat brains" over and over.
1 p.m. Canooing with Ki-Jana Carter and Curtis Enis. Unfortunately, Ki-Jana tears something in his shoulder during his first row and is unable to continue. He is widely considered one of the biggest busts in canooing history. Enis is equally poor although he continues to try to row. However, after 20 minutes of the children calling him "penis" he quits too.
2 p.m. Coach needs to lay down in his "crypt" for a while. The kids are allowed to fingerpaint, but coach doesn't like all of the new-fangled colors so they only get blue or black.
3 p.m. Coach is up and wants to show the kids some old fashioned calestenics. During a vigorous toe touch he has an accident and must sprint out of the room.
3:30 p.m. On his way out of the room Coach dropped his glasses. The kids are able to see the Rings of Saturn by using the glasses as a telescope.
4 p.m. Kids are playing Playstation in the players lounge. Coach comes in and is startled by all the crazy pictures and sounds coming out of the "box" and smashes the t.v. This causes a fire. Coach runs away terrified. Assistants explain that Coach isn't used to some more "modern" inventions.
4:30 p.m. Kids loaded back onto the bus to leave so Coach can make the blue plate special at Sizzler. Each kid gets a gift bag of Depends, Metamucelle, some hard tack handy, a big band record, and a quarter.
5 p.m. Meet with some of the alumni. They apologize for the day and tell me that it used to be really great in the 70's and 80's. Then they stare off into the horizon and silently weep. Meanwhile coach comes running by chasing a dog. Apparently it stole his teeth.