Marshall Preview

First, the stupid shit that has no bearing on tomorrow's game:

• WVU leads the all-time series 25-10 and has won 7 out of the last 10 meetings.
• Marshall comes into the game with a winning record for the first time since the '02-'03 season.
• The Turd has 0 marquee wins, and lost to something called Lipscomb. And my only question is if you're Lipscomb what does your dick do?

Things that matter a little:

• The one common opponent on the schedule is Louisville. We lost by nine, and Marshall lost by 10. Woopie!

Things that matter:

• We hate Marshall!
• Maybe not as much as Pitt, but we hate Marshall!
• This is the only game on their schedule that they seem to try to win, and we rarely show up for this game (but still manage to win most of the time).
  
• Oh yeah, we hate Marshall!

They made a movie about us!





Because your team was in a plane crash. Not because you were good!






Hey F-you, We Are Marshall! Randy Moss went to Marshall!






After he was denied admittance by Notre Dame and kicked out of Florida St.





We play for championships!






In the MAC? Isn't that like being king of the dipshits?





Hey! We're in Conference USA now motherfucker!






Oh yeah, I forgot. And?





................





Seriously! Were you going somewhere with that?






..............





Look, we all know you are going to try to slow the game down and try to keep it close and hope you get lucky at the end of the game.





But we are Marshall!!!!





Ok, great. You're Marshall.






WEEEEEEEE ARRRRRRRR....





Ugh! Never mind.

Marshall's Chances of Winning the Fulmer Cup Just Went Up

If you don't know what the Fulmer Cup is, you're not even close to being hip. So, you're welcome for the link and your new found coolness. Anyway, the Fulmer Cup is one of the few if not the only time that it is cool to cheer for Marshall. In fact, I've done quite a bit of cheering for Marshall in the past for this fine trophy. And they have never failed me.

So the latest commit to the Thundering Turd is OJ Mudock.

Wide receiver O.J. Murdock, who originally signed with South Carolina out of
high school, has committed to the Thundering Herd over Florida State, Tennessee,
and Louisville, the Tampa Tribune reports.
He was a member of the Gamecocks
for two years, appearing in four games. However, Murdock was arrested for
shoplifting in October 2006 and then left school. He played football this fall
at Pearl River (Poplarville, Miss.) Community College.

I guess Matthew McConaughey wasn't joking in We Are Marshall when he said, "We're Marshall. We'll take anyone."

WVU-Marshall Highlights (There's even a screen pass. Yah!)

Some initial observations before I get to watch the replay and try to break it down a little better: The downfield blocking seemed pretty piss poor, the defense was asleep most of the game, Marshall's second TD was an illegal forward pass as the QB had crossed the line of scrimmage, and Wicks had a bad game. Here's to working out all these problems before we start playing tougher games.

Football Fans Sadistic, Cruel

In a suprise to everyone - except Matthew Mcconaughey - Marshall will be featured on television at least 5 times this year.

MU is scheduled for an ESPN network four times (against WVU, Memphis and Southern Miss on ESPN2 and against Miami on ESPNU) and once on CSTV (Rice).

WVU, similarly, is currently scheduled for 5 television appearances.

WVU is beginning the season in just about everyone's Top 5. Marshall, on the other hand, sucks. So why so many TV appearances?

Its a perfect example of society's odd obsession with failure, with ugliness, with country music. Wait. What? Country Music? Sure, its all about perspective. And nothing improves one's perception of his or her own situation like seeing or hearing about a trainwreck, literally and figuratively. Think Paris Hilton. Thanks to the clever folks over at Conference USA, we'll get to see Britney's c-section scar 5 times this year.

It's just too easy

Andrew Beckner of the Daily Mail has an extensive Q and A with outgoing WVU president David Hardesty about his legacy in athletics. He asked a broad variety of questions, but none about the guard dogs and mace. One interesting Hardesty observation:

AB: You brought up the issue of (athletic department) self-sufficiency. At least in this state, that's a unique situation.

DH: Only the best programs are able to do that. Practically speaking, no other school in the state has the streams of revenue or the competitive excellence that we do. We're in a national conference (Big East) and it has pretty good (financial) distributions to its members.

What other state institution is not self-sufficient? I'm going to guess the one that is "Making big strides" with athletic donations by going from the following:

go back to the June day in 2003, when fans at a Big Green gathering at Sleepy Hollow Country Club were informed that only 77 Putnam County residents had anted up $25 or more to the athletic department’s signature scholarship fund.

How about current donations?

By 2004-05, the number climbed to 125, shot up to 161 the next fiscal year and sits at 176 currently.

176 people in Putnam County had an extra $25 or more rolling around in their pockets and have done their best to put their beloved Cabel County Community College Marshall University athletic program on the precipice of being able to buy a new basketball. Congratulations.

MLB Preview - Part IV

Today I begin our trek through the National League with the Bastards MLB Review 2007. For those of you reading this entry who may be wondering, yes I did italicize that period. For those of you who aren't sure what that means, should you ever find yourself in a Legal Research and Writing course- be very skeptical. That said I give you the fourth installment of the seven part series wherein I make brief analysis and project the outcome of the season when it is way to early to call. In that way I much like all the other bullshit media out there, but I hope you read this anyway. If you don't like a pick leave a comment. I might explain to you why we differ.

NL EAST

1. Braves – “America’s Team” turned into the Fulton County follies last year, finishing 18 games out of first place and not winning the division for the first time since 1992. That makes these guys easy to hate on. Especially considering the number of Braves games I will inevitably watch this year- thanks TBS, and fuck off Bud Selig.
Off to a hot start, the Braves are better this year than last thanks to – addition by addition – a few new arms in the bullpen. Mike Gonzalez was a good pick up, as were Tanyon Sturtze and Rafael Soriano. I like Smoltz starting again. Hudson is a solid starter, and Chuck James is throwing well. While Marcus Giles will be missed, the hitting is still there. Chipper & Andruw Jones and Jeff Francoeur will put up big numbers. To win this thing this season, the Braves need production from Ryan Langerhans (LF), Scott Thorman (1B), and Kelly Johnson (2B). None of these guys have started hitting yet, but they keep winning. If the pitching holds up I see a two team race down the stretch, maybe three. I will go ahead and discount Florida and DC.

2. Mets – I foresee a near repeat this season for the Shea Stadium crowd. They have to want another go at the Cards, who beat them in seven for last years NLCS. Not gonna lie to you- the absence of Pedro until August hurts- but I see the aging Glavine having a fine season if he stays healthy, and Orlando Hernandez winning 15 or so. The remainder of the rotation will have to scratch and claw to prove itself, but I see them putting it together. It is hard not to get wins with a powerful lineup like the one in New York. Both New York teams will be outscoring the other guy this year. Delgado, Beltran, Wright, Reyes and Alou will make it easier for the starters, no matter who you throw out there. If the Bravos stay on track I think this one will be close.

3. Phillies - Despite being in the cellar of the NL East at press time, the guys in Philadelphia were actually pretty popular picks to win the division this year. Playboy picked them to win and the Mets to take the wild card. Playboy is stupid, or at least Tracy Ringolsby- the guy who made there picks must be. The pictures are good though. The particular issue in question featured a themed pictorial, “Girls of Conference USA.” Of the 36 girls displayed from across the conference, MARSHALL ONLY GOT ONE girl in the magazine. UTEP had 13, and one girl made it in twice.
Back to baseball, the Phil’s will miss Abreu, who went to New York. Ryan Howard had a slow spring, to say the least, and they need him to crush the ball again this year. The lineup is strong- Howard, Utley, Rollins. The bullpen is not good. So far Cole Hamels has been the only bright spot in the rotation, but Jamie Moyer (good move M’s) has potential to help them out. Sorry Phillies fans- I do not see a pennant in your future. I like the Phillies in third place- down from last year. Maybe second if Atlanta falls apart.

4. Marlins – They were babies last year, nearly all rookies. This year they are still to young to expect much. Florida fired Joe Girardi last season because of disagreements with management. But really, could anyone have won many games with that team? Joe hung on for a while early- I liked him. (Not because of any Yankee loyalty either.) I thought he did pretty well with what he was given. Now without Joe Borowski closing games out- when an opportunity might arise- the Marlins are hurting. Miguel Cabrera at third and Mike Jacobs at first are the only offensive bright spots. Has anyone ever heard of any of the starting outfielders this year? Josh Willingham, Alejandro De Aza (.303 so far), and Joe Borchard do not inspire confidence. Willingham and Borchard both played most of last year, but all three combined have played in 417 career games. De Aza has played in 7 games so far for his MLB career. So why is the centerfielder hitting better than his “veteran” counterparts? After Dontrelle Willis the rotation is laughable. Sorry guys, you will probably finish ahead of the Nats.

5. Nationals – What can you say? You have no pitching- the worst starting ERA in the NL last year. Now you have no offense. Alfonso Soriano- gone. Jose Guillen- gone. Jose Vidro- bye bye. What did you do with money you saved? Nothing. At least this seasons tragic ending won’t fall on baseball legend Frank Robinson’s shoulders. New manager Manny Acta. Centerfielder Ryan Church is hitting the ball well so far. Second baseman Ronnie Belliard, of Cleveland fame is too. These two, with Dmitri Young from Detroit had better keep it up. They lack a starting rotation, a bullpen, and hitting. Certainly a new managers dream come true. My friends around DC are in for a long summer. At least you will have to opportunity to see other stars from around the league in person. You will probably get an opportunity to see them hit too- deep and often.

Everyone point and laugh

For the past 5 years Marshall University has been attempting to raise money for an indoor practice facility. Unfortunately when you can't sell out a 30,000 seat stadium, don't have a library with "books", and have to take the a plane across country with the chickens in the back (like those 80's movies) you aren't going to raise the money for the IPF. Well offseason conditioning is upon us and Marshall is trying to make the best of it with what little resources they have. Chuck Landon is the Marshall mouthpiece and #1 cheerleader forever. He has an artcle about the workouts in the makeshift practice rooms. Landon, of course, tries to make it sound like an experience that will bring the team together and build chemistry. However, when I read this article it is hard not to imagine what is really happening. It appears the equipment consists of the following from the Island of Misfit Workout equipment:

1. Two hula-hoops, one with beads still inside.
2. 1 bent bar for adding weights and bench with 30 pounds of duct tape over the seams.
3. Sand weights with one 30 pound, 2 five pound, and a 15 pound weight available.
4. 1 bead, two rope jump ropes.
5. Two broken ice cube treys
6. VCR and 18" black and white t.v.
7. 8 track player with some Foghat and Grand Funk Railroad (Snyder likes to party).
8. Stationary bike missing pedals and treadmill that only runs backwards.
9. Four stolen road cones.
10. Ab-roller (brand new/never used) and one deflated football w/o a pump.

The equipment leads to the following type of workout for Marshall's players:

Get up at 6 and show up to the "practice facility" (McDonald's parking lot).
Set up cones try to run around them, get bored try to drive around them.
Run some sprints, stop because exhaust from Drive-Thru is making everyone sick.
Move to a Marshall Classroom.
Move desks to hallway, at least one back injury during move, everyone else tires so nappy time.
Have push-up contest, first one to get to 10 will be the first ever.
Individual work-out session time; break into four groups of juggling, fingerpainting, napping, and eating glue.
Everyone roll down a big hill together (builds up team chemistry).
Talk about why WVU is evil and how much you hate, hate, hate them.
Call Mom and have her pick you up and take you for ice cream

Sometimes you almost feel bad for them. Then you remember Bob Pruett and laugh.

West Virginia Salaries

Oh the glory of a transparent government. West Virginia has released the West Virginia State Auditor's Office Employee W2 Gross list. It's a fun way to spend a few hours looking up past professors and WVU staff, but keep in mind many of these people make additional income through non-WVU foundation groups or other private contracts that are not open to FOIA yet. Here are some notable numbers for you:

Governor Joe Manchin--$94,999 plus all the coal he can eat during any WVU/Marshall game in any sport.

John Beilein--$848,983 (soon to be rising).

Rich Rodriguez--$1,233,319 (also expecting a nice increase next year).

WVU President--David Hardesty $279,062 plus housing, staff, and vehicles.

WVU Vice-President and WVURC President John Weete--$170,322 apparently the Texas accent worked during negotiations.

College of Law Dean John Fisher--$192,245 apparently it increases by $50,000 for every tier we drop.

Other Law professors b/c we know them:
Dale Olson--$95,057 plus one pair of shiny white sneakers per month.

Vince Cardi--$119,004 for being awesome and I'll fight anyone who disagrees.

Caprice Roberts--$89,096 insert joke about her being hot here.

John Taylor--$88,012 makes more if he can not scare the kids with his laugh.

Tom Cady--$95,597 for reading the same cases every day for the rest of his life.

Women's Bball coach Mike Carey--$126,024 he probably cries when he sees Beilein in the hall.

Women's Soccer coach Nikki Izzo-Brown--$119,890.

Baseball coach G. Van Zant--$73,572.

Wrestling coach Turnbull--$69,112.

Women's Volleyball coach V. Hammersmith--$54,983.

A couple of people who aren't sports related for comparison:
2004 Eberly College Outstanding Teacher Award winner William Taft--$28,234.

Chemistry grad student and Australian ne'er do well Josh Gunn--$17,509.

Marshall salaries:
President Kopp--$232,333 plus he can get a ride with Hardesty if he is in town.

Football coach Mark Snyder--$310,916 or about 100K per win.

Basketball coach Ron Jirsa--$221,720 and he makes double that if they could ever outdraw Huntington High School for one game which unfortunately is unreachable.

The lesson as always: don't listen to your guidance counselors when they tell you to stay in school especially if the "school" is Marshall.

For Me to Poop On

Not that I have seen it, but I'll take this guy's word on it, at least until it airs at 4 a.m. on TBS and I'm passed out drunk on the couch with the tube still on.

We! Are! Marshall! is dumb. Pointless. Bad. Poorly executed. Meandering. Clichéd. Sentimental in all the wrong ways.

Do go on.

We Are Marshall is the latest in a series of treacly inspired-by-actual-events sports films (Remember the Titans, Miracle, Glory Road, Invincible, The Greatest Game Ever Played), each worse than the previous, as the big studios attempt to mine every last fucking decent sports-related storyline to come out of the last
century, up to and until we are finally forced to sit through an inspirational
tale of 2004’s Pacers-Pistons “Malice at the Palace” and its aftermath (and true
to the “inspired by” template, the Pistons will be depicted as fire-breathing Nazis, 17 spectators will be mauled to death, and David Stern will execute Ron Artest by guillotine.

Interesting.

Seriously, in McConaughey’s long and storied career of loathsomely charismatic
roles, he completely outdoes himself here. He’s Dudley fucking Dooright with a
thick, honeyed drawl, and he provokes the kind of anger in me generally reserved
for Larry (the fucking) Cable Guy and the color commentary of Joe Theismann.

Uh-huh.

Of course, “The Young Thundering Herd,” as they are called, is no damn good...

Um, they still aren't.

Seriously though, I'd rather watch the Notebook for 48 straight hours than this pile of garbage.

You thought our schedule was weak this year? Ha!

In an attempt to further bolster their strength of schedule, the powers that beat have scheduled mighty, mighty Ball State (2006: 5-7, 5-3) for West Virginia's season opener on September 1st. However, it will be a nice opportunity to test their hopefully improved secondary as Ball State's QB, Nate Davis, is expected to be one of the premier passers in the MAC next year.

While most of the remaining dates have yet to be set, the schedule features a few challenges:

The Manchin Bowl against the Matthew McConaughey coached Blundering Turds, which in all reality should not be tough, but considering how the basketball team performs each year against WVU's instate rival, cannot be glanced over.

According to the schedule at rivals.com, West Virginia will play at Maryland this year, despite rumors to the contrary. The biggest question here is whether the folks at Byrd Stadium will expand the player tunnels enough to permit 18-wheeler access - as that's the only way Friedgen will be able to make it to the sideline. That's it Coach, you rest those weary legs and no, I don't care how delicious it looks, you can't eat your watch.

The biggest challenge next year presumably is three road games against Rutgers, Cincy and South Florida. Louisville comes to Morgantown next year with a new coach and presumably a new QB.

Further down the road, the Mountaineers feature a 1&1 with Auburn in '08 & '09, Michigan State in '10 & '11 and Florida State in '12 & '13 (feature Bobby Bowden in a cryogenic chamber).

And yes, I really do miss college football this badly.