Friday, February 16, 2007

ESPN College Football as Arrested Development

When are you bankrupt for material you do one of two things; liveblog or compare some group of teams, people, or schools to something in pop culture. I hate liveblogs so here is the ESPN College Football group as cast members of AD.

Kirk Herbstreit--Michael Bluth, the main character and normally upright and dependable, however can also be very self-centered believing in his own opinion and importance over everything else.

Bob Davie--George Michael Bluth, quiet and thank God because normally only starts and stammers come out of his mouth when he speaks. Supposedly good in school (defensive coordinator) but it's hard to believe by looking at him. Just wants Michael to pay attention to him and listen, but Michael is too busy with his own problems including. . .

Brent Musburger--George Bluth, Sr., both have had problems with the law and both go to considerable lengths to attempt to be in control but spend most of the time avoiding either the police or those evil bloggers (for the Mus' at least).

Chris Fowler--Lucille Bluth, the real brains behind the operation as he controls all arguments through his desk on Gameday. Never afraid to let anyone know that he is better than these football neanderthals surrounding just as Lucille hates everyone else. Will belittle anyone going against his will, which actually makes him like able when he calls out Herby on Thursdays.

Lee Corso--GOB, couldn't be anyone else for a costume wearing, love able and hate able at the same time, catchphrase yelling guy. Tries to sound important all the time, but really ends up at home crying to a hooker. You don't want him trying to fix something or predict a winner, he has picked WVU twice in the last 3 years marking the kiss of death each time, but he stubbornly holds on to his decisions (Cal this year) no matter what. Should have kept all rights to the "Banana-grabber".

Rece Davis--Buster, is sheltered and overshadowed by Mother so much that we would like to see what he could do on his own. Somehow we all know that it will never happen.

Lou Holtz--Lindsay, may not make sense but both want desperately to be taken seriously or objectified (the spitting is some form of S & M) but no one will listen to them. Everything they touch whether programs for Holtz or marriage for Lindsay turns to chaos on his watch with him openly pining for a new mate.

Mark May--Tobias Funke, supposed to be a minor character but keeps coming back. Tied in a horrible marriage to Lindsay (Holtz) that can be downright nasty at times. You always know he is going to bring up those sweaty men in the trenches slamming into each other (he is from Pitt, not that there's anything wrong with that).

Trev Alberts--Maeby, the attention starved daughter will do anything to get noticed. Unfortunately for Trev that meant being a rebel and not showing up for work to get some love. He didn't get a studio job, he got fired.

Beano Cook--Oscar Bluth, the lethargic ex-hippie that becomes the whipping boy of the Bluth family taking punch after punch for George. Have you ever heard him call into ESPN radio, they mock him relentlessly. He just came for the free shrimp.

Mike Hall--Annyong, the adopted brother (contest winner) is now the enemy of Buster as he tries to steal affection from Lucile. That one was too easy.

Holly Rowe/Shelly Smith--Ann Veal, may seem forget able but you know what happens to third place beauty contest winners. Mch like Ann getting left in Mexico, Shelly got left in USC for an entire year.

Mike Gottfried--Barry Zuckerkorn, seems lost sometimes and would rather be elsewhere quite possibly a truck-stop and both know balls when they see them.

Ron Franklin--Franklin, one of the best, but needs to filter the comments. Franklin hates whitey, Ron Franklin was moved from Saturday night for the following:

If the coaches are giving up," Rowe added, "what does that say to the players?" Franklin responded: "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart."

In response to that, Mo Davenport, senior coordinating producer for college football said, "It was an inappropriate comment, and we've communicated that to Ron. There's never a reason to say something so mean-spirited. Ron apologized. We dealt with it internally."

Doug Flutie--Steve Holt, not really his fault, but his first year consisted mainly of ESPN showing the "Hail Flutie" much like Steve Holt consisted mainly of raising his arms and yelling "Steve Holt".

Erin Andrews--Rita, known mainly for the looks and accessories. Michael is infatuated with "EA", but can't ever close the deal. She owns Wee-Britain much like EA "owns" all other sideline reporters. She is southern enough she may be the offspring of cousins.

Todd McShay--Bob Loblaw, brought in to skew younger and may have have some important views, but at this point (ESPNU) no one is listening anyway.

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