The Most Elitest Awesomeness Ever*

Or so they say.

So Showtime has been promoting this thing at least 5-6 hours now, its mixed martial arts with which I'm not too familiar, but I'll still give it a shot and psuedo live blog this because 1) the old lady is out with her friends 2) I'm getting drunk and 3) it should be easy to make fun of this trainwreck.

The ladies look nice. I wish I had HD, I'm sure I would have seen cameltoe.

The entrance from the locker rooms comes under a giant Barbaro head with fiery eyes and smoking nostrils, confirming that Showtime has a softspot for sources of glue.

Demonstrating this event's importance, the very first fighter introduced, Charles "Crazy Horse" Bennett stopped halfway down the ramp, answered his cell, had a 5 minute conversation, and then finished his entrance to the ring.

Extreme is the word of the night. "Extreme antipathy" was just uttered by the announcers.

Bennett is an asshole, but does backflips off the top of the cage to celebrate his TKO of the other guy with about a minute left in the first round. And now he's struting around the cage. I hate hate that shit.

"It went down quicker than the Titantic." which sank in 2 hours and 40 minutes. I know because I have the special edition DVD. I'm not yet sure whether he was talking about Bennett's opponent or this MMA series.

Bennett says "shit" about 30 times in a 20 second interview. I do like the fact its on Showtime and he can say such gems as "Those fucking leg kicks hurt like a mother fucker."

Next up: CHICKS!! Well, not chicks like that. Its chicks fighting. Julie Kedzie v. Gina Carano. How nice will this be?! There fucking better be pudding or whipcream involved. Oh shit, Kedzie: That's a man, baby! But Carano is actually kinda hot:

Kedzie has a huge jaw, usually a disadvantage in a fight, but a great target in a bukkake. Carano is wearing a lot of clothes. I am not happy. Carano's dad was a former backup QB for the Cowboys. According to the analyst, Carano wants to go to the ground. So do I. End of round 1. Carano 1 - Kidzie 0 - Boners 1. We're are debating whether Manjaw his wearing a thong under her trunks. We have thong confirmation. At the end of two, I am thoroughly convinced Carano would kick my ass. And it wouldn't even be close. But I still volunteer to spar with her. Fight ends, and they make out in the corner. Corano wins. I gotta be honest with you, that will probably be the best fight of the evening. And now, by regulation, we must check you both for penii. What? That's not in the regulations?

Sorry, we took a break to laugh at Chad Johns... HUGH!! And this third fight is boring anyway.

OK, we're back. And continuing the big chin theme, Antonia Silva takes on Wesley Correira. These guys are "super heavy weights" and that might be the only think understated during this entire broadcast. Big fat white guy with lots of tatoos, allegedly "raised in the tradition of moi tai". Yeah, probably not. There is currently a combined 550 lbs of fighter in the cage. Sylva weighs 270 or so, 240 of which is in his chin. Correira has less hair than Jamie Smalligan. Correira's nickname is "Cabbage". That's what he smells like. Bill Goldberg had been a guest commentator/promotional guy all evening. He was just referred to as "former NFL star". Sylvia manages not to be drug down by his chin and wins in a first round TKO. Post fight interview: "I don't really remember... HUGH!!!" Correira returns to a locker room of egg rolls and sauerkraut.

And now for the main event: Gracie vs. Shamrock. But its not that Gracie vs. Shamrock. Royce Gracie dominated the first few UFCs, and Ken Shamrock was good... against Jeff Jarrett in WWF while wearing a straight jacket. But this contest is not between the two MMA future hall of famers. This fight is between two third cousins of those guys, Renzo Gracie vs. Frank Shamrock. Renzo comes out to Evanessence. Can you really be a bad ass if you come out to Evanessence? Shamrock comes out to Born in the USA. His nose is really, really, really fucked up. Its an improvement!

According to the ring announcer, Shamrock hasn't lost in 10 years. I think that he's never lost in 10 years of Showtime televised MMA events. Fight starts, and at the 3:55 mark, Gracie employs the standard ball-drag-across-the-face move.

They announce that tonight's crowd ever for a MMA event in North America.

Showtime's 15 second rule, specifically, if nothing happens on the ground in 15 seconds, the ref stands them up, is really going to fuck with the Brazilian Jujitsu strategy. Towards the end of the first round, Gracie has Shamrock in half guard, but Shamrock is countering with knees to the ribs. Gracie counters that with one more ball-drag-to-the-face move.

In an outrageous display of stereotyping, similar to that of AOL's Fanhouse's stereotyping of Mountaineer fans, the announcers comment that Shamrock does not have the "luck of the Irish on his side" at this point.

The action stops when Shamrock knees Gracie in the back of the head and gets a point deducted. The ref mocks Shamrock by raising his hand during the pause, Shamrock celebrates and then gets a point deducted. Gracie acts like a bitch by taking all 5 minutes of "recovery time" for the "illegal blow". I've watched signifcantly more boxing than MMA, but no one in recent memory from boxing has taken the full 5 minutes for a low blow. Gracie is really eating this shit up. They're putting a neck brace on Gracie and now he's a total bitch. At this point, I'm sure they're stopping the fight. "Its like getting hit in the back of the head with a baseball bat." The announcer says. What I can't figure out is why Gracie would fake this injury because, frankly, he was winning the fight at this point. Gracie leaves the ring with medical staff and this is getting wild.

The ref calls the knee to the back of the head "intentional" and DQ's Shamrock. The crowd is obviously upset. Shamrock claims he's "old school" which apparently means he'll be running around naked looking for a KFC.

Biggest cope out ever. Gracie's manager comes out, cries, talks about the brutality of things: "This isn't 'Nam! There are rules! I had buddies who died faced down in the muck..." Gracie allegedly has a concussion from a "rabbit knee". The fans hate him. Shamrock has stated at least 28 times that "he came to fight" as if his presence in the ring didn't already imply that.

And Showtime's first MMA event ends in controversy. I managed to get a decent buzz on, with many hours of booze consumption ahead of me. The fights, excluding the last one, were surprisingly good. Bill Goldberg is still hanging around waiting to spear someone. The great thing about Goldberg is all his comments end weirdly, i.e:

"So, Bill Goldberg, what did you think about this fight tonight?"

"I thought it was great. It was like this other fight I saw one time." Followed by a 5 minute pause while everyone else in the building waited for Goldberg to give the details, which never came.

Anyway, its over. I'm going to focus on booze now.

*The above psuedo live blog has been reposted in its entirety after some infighting between the various factions at Bastard Sons. We apoligize to those of you who despise live blogs, but fuck it. Who cares. W00t!