As the Cars Turn - Pilot Edition

Tony Stewart, still convinced that the world is out to get him and still faking his "nice guy" persona, is heart broken that one more person has turned his back on our poor Number 20. Bruton Smith, owner of the Las Vegas and Texas Motor Speedways, reconstructed the speedway in the Sin City to include more steeply banked turns and a therapist center in the infield. Bruton insists he made the changes to improve racing at the oval, but Tony has other ideas. "He just hates me! I've performed so well at that track and that mean old man just wants to see me struggle. You like me right? . . . Well, at least I still have my 36th birthday celebration coming up in May. Its going to be great! Jimmy [Johnson] said he would come and bring some friends. He's so dreamy! I just hope he doesn't bring Jeff with him. It got ugly last time Jeff came to a party. He drank a few Zimas and started pinching some other drivers' butts. I thought Martin was gonna pummel him."

Jimmy Johnson later told me he would not be attending Tony's birthday bash. "I have way too much pootang to hit to go to that sausage fest. Tom [Brady] is up 2-0 right now. I've got to put some more effort in. But hey, I think Jeff's going, which is good because its hard to pick up chicks when your teammate is sitting on your lap all night."

Dale, Jr. told me he plans to continue faking mechanical issues and spins as further punishment to his evil stepmother. We all remember how unfair it was when she refused to hand over a majority interest in DEI, Inc. to Dale, Jr.

The feud between Scott Pruett and Juan Pablo Montoya continues to spiral out of control. Angry that JPM did something Pruett has been unable to do in stock cars, specifically: win a race, Pruett called JPM's driving "dirty, dirty, down right dirty driving" or something like that. JPM laughed it off like Peyton Manning laughing off a critique by Sean Salisbury. Angered further by this disrespect, Pruett conspired with border agents to block JPM's return to the states. JPM was last seen being chased by Minutemen in the Arizona desert.

Will anyone commit to Tony's birthday bash? Will Montoya get to Vegas in time for the race? Tune in next week for the next installment of As the Cars Turn.