Monday, September 10, 2007

Welcome to the Asylum

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." - credited to Albert Einstein, et al.

Saturday, the Bastard Institute of Psychiatry had the misfortune of conducting two clinical reviews of individuals suspected of psychosis or other similar mental disorders. The first review began at 11:00 a.m. and was conducted in Huntington, WV. It can be read below. The second review will be posted later.

Subject: Rich Rodriguez.

Time: 11:00

Place: Huntington, WV.

Subject is the coach of a Division 1 college football team entering the game ranked #3 in the nation to face the Marshall Thundering Herd. Marshall has been deemed by most scholarly articles as a "shitty school with a worse football team". ("Shaturday Matshupsh", Holth, 9th ed. 2007). Consequently, WVU entered the game as a heavy favorite.

Prior findings: Widely recognized as an "offensive genius". However, during the Subject's first few years as head coach of the West Virginia Mountaineers, he frequently called a halfback off tackle play. While it would occasionally work as designed, the play was called, in most experts' opinions, way too frequently to the point that many fans were left scratching their head in disbelief.

Background: The WVU defense is playing particularly underwhelming this morning. The defense has been colloquially referred to as "sleep walking" though the game. Consequently, Marshall is hanging with and at a few points leading the heavily favored Mountaineers.

Observations: Throughout the first half, the Subject continually refuses to place the ball in the hands of his playmakers, Steve Slaton and Patrick White. Instead, the Subject repetitively calls a play described to this reviewer as a "screen pass". Repeatedly, the "screen pass" fails miserably resulting in either no or insignificant positive gain. However, despite the continued failures of this play, the Subject returns time and again to this same play. Of note, Steve Slaton carried the ball only five times in the first half. A WVU fan sitting near this clinician described the Subject's behavior as "fucking retarded" to which I corrected, "fucking insane".

In contrast, the Subject called for two downfield passes during the first half. The first of which resulted in a large downfield gain and the second of which would have resulted in a large downfield gain but was unfortunately dropped by the intended receiver. It was explained to this clinician that occasionally attempting this plays would stretch the field vertically, but the Subject did not again attempt this play for the remainder of the game.

Fortunately, the Subject's psychosis appeared temporary in nature. Following a brief recess after the second quarter, the Subject's play calling returned to relative normality. Steve Slaton carried the ball 19 times in the second half for 144 yards. Patrick White contributed 125 and some guy, Noel Devine, or something like that, pitched in 76. The Mountaineers scored 42 points in the second half compared to only 6 in the first 30 minutes and go on to win 48-23.

Additionally, the WVU defense apparently woke up during halftime and put forth a much better effort holding Marshall to 10 points in the second.

Analysis: During the first half, the Subject displayed behavior reminiscent of his first few years as the Mountaineer's head coach, to wit: calling the same play over and over again despite its less than stellar results. At this point, the behavior is merely annoying and frustrating to the fans. However, this clinician is very concerned that if this behavior manifests during some of WVU's more competitive matchups, the results may be significantly more severe.

Diagnosis: General manic taurocapition (bullheadedness) created by the Subject's perception that "it'll work god damn it, do it again!". However, further study is recommended to rule out any more serious mental conditions such as general insanity.

"One man's insanity is another man's genius..." - uncredited.

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