Weekend Watching

Believe it or not they are playing games on a Saturday this week. What will they think of next? And what about all of the kids playing high school football? Or those trying to respect the Sabath. Shomer fucking shabbos. There are some big games out there this weekend and Lou Holtz is all ready to give them pep talks about marriage, business, bumble bees, your wife and the drummer, vertigo, trees, blimps, herpes blisters, and what ever else pops into his head during his rants of a man with a brain destroyed by an uncontrolled case of syphilis.

"Big week in the Pac10 men. Those who say we can't win haven't seen a prairie dog. Men they have social networks and kissing rituals. Plus they are adorable AND edible. Men when you are having sex with a hooker always remember that it isn't important for her to get off, since she is getting paid and that applies to stay at home moms as well men." Anyway on to the games.

Early games are just appetizers this week. Most ranked teams should have the game well in hand by half time. LSU plays Tulane, VT plays UNC, BC plays UMass, and Oklahoma plays Colorado. Take the extra time to sleep off that hangover from either celebrating or drinking away the sorrows after WVU plays tonight. Or take the little lady out for lunch to let her know you are sorry about not paying attention to her the last month or so on weekends and will make it up with a soup/salad combo. However, make sure you're home in time for the afternoon games.

Cal vs. Oregon--Oregon showed off more than ugly uniforms against Michigan. They unleashed the hellfire that is a spread offense willing to throw downfield. Oregon scored 32 first half points and put up 624 yards in that game. On the Season the Ducks are 4-0 and Dennis Dixon has thrown for 932 yards and run for another 291. Meanwhile Cal has been cruising since the Tennessee game with wins over Colorado State, La Tech, and Arizona. Desean Jackson has been held in check, but as teams have sent the entire secondary after him Lavelle Hawkins has gotten off for 315 yards and 2 touchdowns on 25 receptions. Cal is scoring 41.5 points per game and giving up 24.5. Oregon is scoring 48.5 points per game and giving up 21.5. The over/under is around 72.5. Enjoy.

Those of us in Big10 country will get the infinitely less enjoyable game of Michigan State v. Wisconsin. Both teams are undefeated. Sparty has been deadly on the ground with Javon Ringer and Jehuu Caulcrick both over 300 yards rushing on the year. When the ball goes in the air it is usually to Devin Thomas (370 yards receiving). Wisconsin has survived at UNLV and a scare from The Citadel for a half before taking Iowa in a 17-13 slugfest last week. PJ Hill has over 500 yards rushing for the Badgers. If you get stuck with this game it has officially become nappytime for the afternoon.

Alabama v. Florida State--One team was good a long time ago. The other was good a less long time ago. Bobby Bowden was Bear Bryants grandad. I give up this game isn't that exciting.

USC v. Washington--The first test for the Trojans wasn't much of a test. They had all the answers in advance for Nebraska in a 49-31 win that was 42-10 in the third quarter. USC uses about 50 different running backs in the 10th best rushing offense in the country and is limiting opponents to 64 yards rushing per game. Washington has faced one high caliber defense in Ohio State and managed a respectable 346 total yards but were unable to score and turned the ball over 4 times in a 33-14 loss. Washington must run and control the clock to have a chance otherwise USC will wear the Huskies down and out.

Finally, Auburn tries to save their season v. Florida. Auburn is 2-2 coming into this game and Brandon Cox has 6 interceptions. The Tigers are 91st in the country in turnover margin. The defense has been respectable (26th in the country) to attempt to offset the beleaguered passing attack (99th). Florida is 22th in total offense and 27th in total defense in a 4-0 start. However, despite holding Ole Miss to 2-11 on third down, having no turnovers, and over 100 more yards of total offense, the Gators trailed in the fourth quarter to the Rebels. Tim Tebow leads the Gators with 1096 passing yards, 358 rushing yards, and Chuck Norris random generators with 1.